Captured (Again) by The Story

I have been realizing some things about myself lately and some things that I greatly desire or need.  It has been a challenging phase of parenting for me, which has left me discouraged (and exhausted) many days, especially with starting a new school year.  I have known that my own strengths are not enough for this season, but really living grace and abiding in God's presence have been long-standing challenges for me.  As we were reading a passage from Acts 2 recently, I was struck by verse 43:  "Everyone was filled with awe..."  It goes on to talk about miracles and signs and wonders, but what struck me was that the order was seeming to suggest that it wasn't because of the miracles that they were in awe.  Those things came.  But, they were in awe because of the apostles' teaching and the experience of community they were living and the presence of the Lord among them.  

I have been realizing that, in this season, I have really been lacking (and longing for) a sense of awe, a wonder, a consuming passion for God and His kingdom.  In reflecting on some of the challenges in parenting, I truly believe that the most significant thing I can do as a parent for my boys is to be radically and contagiously in love with God!  There are no methods or logic or decisions that can make me a perfect parent, and I cannot ultimately control my boys' hearts and minds and decisions.  I want for them to love God and live for Him, but the most powerful thing I can do is let them see that be what consumes me!

In case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm a type-A person who really struggles with just "being."  I like to-do lists and productivity and having defined tasks I have accomplished.  I have always tended toward doing the "right" things or trying to find the "perfect" method or decision for something, even if it is getting closer to God.  Yet, I have felt this challenge lately to just "be" with Him, to let Him capture my heart again with His love and His grace and His presence.  

I have still often not made the space that I should for this, but the times that I have, it has still been a challenge for me.  I am often too distracted or having a hard time really setting aside my mental to-do list.  

Tonight, through seeing a few posts from a mentor of ours and hitting some frustrations with the Sunday School lesson I was preparing, I started digging into one of the books we have from this mentor Bill Jackson. This particular text is his "NothinsGonnaStopIt:  The Storyline of the Bible," which is largely his materials he had put together for his presentations he has done for many years on the Story.  On the cover, it says, "One God, one Story, one plan."  As I read words and phrases, I could feel a stirring in my soul that I have had every time I have engaged this amazing Story.  Really encountering and digging into this bigger Story of God has, for many years, been a passion for my husband and me that I realized tonight I haven't really directly engaged in quite awhile.  It is what prompted us to name our first son Isaiah Jackson--Isaiah meaning "God is salvation," and Jackson after our mentor and signifying this one Story throughout history of God's salvation!  

"What it means to be human, then, is to reflect the image and glory of God to the world."  That's a quote from Jax, as many call him, and as I read that and other lines, that passion was being reignited.  That's my purpose--to reflect the image and glory of God to the world, to my boys, to my family and friends, and those I meet.  Even just reading little tidbits tonight for a few minutes has been renewing my mind and my heart, and I realized this is exactly what I need in this season.  I have had many amazing and powerful times just sitting in God's presence, but reading and soaking in His Story connects so deeply for me, and it just jumped out to me as the fresh breath of life that my soul needs in this season.  So, I've decided to focus on reading this whole text of NGSI and just bought "The Eden Project:  A Short Story" (by Bill Jackson) to read as well.  And, I am feeling that filling of awe that I know that I need and desire!  

Nervous?

Today our countdown to our trip to the States is down to 15 days!  We are going for a month and will visit friends and family and enjoy some places and foods we have missed.  So, obviously, we are excited!  But, I've also been finding myself feeling a bit nervous, which seems strange, and I couldn't really explain.

Things will be different than what has become normal for us here, but it's been less than a year since we left, so it's not like I've forgotten how to act in America.  (Well, I guess you can confirm the truth of that with friends and family after we've been there!)

Definitely I'm nervous about the LONG travel with two active little guys who resist sleep, the youngest of which slept about 3 hours during the 34-hour journey moving here!  Trying to block that part out of my mind.  But, it wasn't really what was going on inside me with this feeling.

We have been concerned about how the trip will affect Isaiah.  He has had a harder adjustment to living here this year and asks often to live where there is a McDonald's, and we have been praying that he won't have major setbacks when we return in the fall.  So, that makes me nervous, but there was still more.

Today, I pulled out a scrapbook that a dear friend had put together for us before we left.  She had gathered notes and photos from some other dear friends.  I have to confess to this being the first time I've actually sat down with it and read all the notes.  That seems so bizarre to even admit because it is sweet and wonderful, but I had set it aside when we first moved here so that I wouldn't get homesick right away.  Then, I came across it in the middle of a hard stretch this winter and teared up just looking at it, so I decided it didn't seem wise to dive into it in its fullness and kind of hid it from myself for later.  Today, as I was trying to finally organize some boxes of things here, I sat down and read it, and I realized this nervousness that I had been sensing that I couldn't explain.  

I feel nervous about how much I will miss everyone all over again when we come back.

Nepal feels like home to me now.  I have been realizing recently how attached I have become to the idea of living here for a long time.  We have amazing friends, an incredible opportunity to be part of a great business and vision, and I am happy here.

But, the distance from family and dear friends who have known me and been a part of my life in deep ways, some for a long time, is hard.  I think I have sort of kept myself from thinking too often or too deeply about how much I miss them.  While that is probably partially healthy in order to really be "all here" mentally and emotionally this year as we got settled, I think I have been in a bit of denial of the emotions of it.  Facebook helps me stay delusional in feeling connected to still to my friends and family and what is going on in their lives.  And, I kept thinking, of course I feel excited to SEE people, but I kept wondering why I was MORE excited and what that nervousness was, and today split it wide open:  Actually seeing those people will be wonderful but also remind me how much I miss them.  To connect to the full joy and special gift of this time ahead, I have to be willing to open up to the pain of leaving again and face how much I have truly missed them.  

So, there it is.  Nervous.  Praying to let it all open up and be all the messy fullness of smiles and laughter and hugs and tears.

Purging

I had planned to write on something else tonight, but life here with two little guys takes some unexpected turns.  Too often, they involve vomit.  Today was one of those days.  Everything was going along just fine for most of us.  (John was feeling sick and came home early from work.)  In the middle of a story, Isaiah felt like throwing up, so we ran to the bathroom.  False alarm.
A bit later, as I was finishing washing my hands, I heard Isaiah yell from upstairs.  I called to him to ask if he was ok and started over to the stairs.  He came around to the first landing and was saying he threw up upstairs.  Just as I tried to hurry him to come down and get to the bathroom, it came out, the projectile vomit.  I will spare you the details, but it was gross.  Lots of clean-up.
We decided to put him to bed in our bed since his bed didn't have a mattress cover.  It got wet last night, and since it is monsoon season, nothing (especially not a waterproof mattress cover) dries in just one day unless you hit a lucky patch of sun during the day.  We did not.
So, about an hour ago, I came up to our room to check on him and found him sound asleep...in his own vomit!  He is a really sound sleeper, which is amazing most of the time, but this is one of the few times I really wish he was not QUITE such a sound sleeper!  I woke him up, and he really didn't even know he had thrown up.  So, now our bedding is in the wash or will be in morning, hoping to catch one of those lucky sunny patches to dry them tomorrow...but not too early, or it will wake up my boys early.
All this adds up to a pretty gross afternoon and evening, and I'm hoping (but likely not) it is done for the night.  I hate cleaning up vomit.  I mean, who likes it?  It is so sad to see my kiddos sick, but it just adds a super gross element when it has to be vomit.
It sucks to have my son feel sick, and it sucks to clean up vomit, but the thing is, I'm OK.  I know that might sound like it should be obvious, but as I've written before, I've had a lot of issues related to sickness, particularly with my kids being sick.  Fear that has made it so often MUCH larger than life.  The causes for vomiting here are often notably more unsettling than a stomach "flu" bug, and that was one of many things that would make me terribly afraid the last time we were here and had Isaiah being sick so often.  But, one thing is that we've now seen and known a lot of people who've had all those nasty things (dysentery, giardia, salmonella, food poisoning and parasites of many forms, and all other manors of things that wreak havoc on the digestive system), and it becomes sort of a bizarrely "normal" part of life to just deal with, roll through, and move forward.  Seeing others' experiences, accumulating much of our own, and now knowing the systems of how to deal with things medically when they come up (doctors, medicines, stool sample testing, etc.) have all helped quite a bit.
But, there is something much more than those things, and that is that God has just set me free from so much of the fear and anxiety that sickness for my kids used to bring for me.  Friends and family have prayed, and I just believe that the Holy Spirit has worked some miracles in my soul because all the logic and knowledge and experience in the world would not have calmed the panic in me in the past, and as much as I feel drained tonight and a bit of dread that it's not yet over, I can honestly say that I will go to bed and sleep because I am OK.  And, today, in the midst of these things, OK is a major victory!  

Summer Bucket List

I was planning to write something a bit deeper, like the thoughts and emotions that are rolling around inside my mind as I consider our upcoming visit to the States, but it's a low brain-power night, so I'll keep it lighter.
I know a lot of people make "bucket" lists, and I've seen a bunch of summer bucket lists lately, but I figured I'd go ahead and make one of our own.
We do have a trip planned for about a month back to the U.S., so it actually is something we're thinking about a lot--What are the things we really want to make sure to include in our time there?  As well as what are things we want to do here for the remainder of the summer time before we (and others) jump into school in the fall.

*  Catch fireflies.
I never expected to be able to do this here in Nepal.  I grew up doing this, but there never were any when we lived in Los Angeles, so it was kind of a fun surprise to realize they are here.  Well, I haven't really seen them in broad strokes, but there seem to be a few outside our friends' home.  We got to try it one evening, but there were only a few out, so we're hoping to get to do it again here and back in the Midwest when visiting my family.
*  Camp in the yard.
We actually just did this one a few days ago.  Well, we adjusted and decided to camp in our house!  Ok, I decided.  It's nearing monsoon season here, so it's pretty likely to get rained on.  Oh, yeah, and we don't actually have a tent!  So, bedroom camping it was.  It made Isaiah so thrilled that I promised him we would try it again this summer.

*  Play flashlight tag.
No real explanation needed on that one.  It's just fun.

*  Roast hot dogs and marshmallows.
My parents have a fire pit in their backyard, and if by some chance, we actually go the chance to catch a beach campfire while we're in LA, that would be super fun as well!

*  County fair!
I didn't know until recently that this would even be an option, but with a bit of shifting dates from original plans, we are going to be visiting my family during the time of the County Fair where I grew up (which is a short distance from where my parents live now).  This was a BIG part of my childhood, so I'm actually really excited about taking my kids.  It will be an interesting experience to share something that I grew up as a rural 4-H kid being a key point in the summer with a bunch of inner-city kids that my family works with now and my kids, who have never been to a county fair!  Good times!  Unless they have changed the schedule from when I was growing up (and John pointed out in a very mocking way that he couldn't really imagine a serious debate that would necessitate such a change), it should be the day of the cattle show.

*  Go to the beach!
We live in a land-locked country after being within a 10-minute drive from the Pacific Ocean for many years, so we are very much looking forward to a little beach time while we visit.  It's kind of funny to think have infrequently we actually went to the beach when we actually lived there, and now, being far away from the load of stuff necessary to take with little ones, hassling for parking at the local beaches, and then loading of wet and sandy kids back into a vehicle, it seems like such a simple and fun day!  :)

*  Go to McDonald's.
This is primarily on the list for half of my family.  Zeke likes to talk about it because Isaiah talks about it a lot, but when we went in Thailand, he actually asked for rice and barely ate his burger!  But, it is seriously one of the main things Isaiah talks about anytime we bring up visiting America.  So, we'll have to do it!  Probably many times.

*  FOOD!
Ok, really, this deserves its very own list!  Let's start with things we can do here.  I am determined to make a lot of popsicles and smoothies this summer, especially since there is an increase in fruit available right now.
As far as our visit to the State, I really do enjoy the food here, but there are definite things that I get excited about when I think of being able to eat them!
Mexican food--real, authentic stuff!
Ice cream
Cheese
Milk
Really, dairy should probably have its own list as well. :)
Blueberries
Mini donuts at Venice Beach
Panera mac'n'cheese (for Isaiah)
salads (which will also help balance out the dairy!)
Chicago-style pizza
Ironically, I feel excited to visit the Nepali restaurant that we used to go to in LA, though I'm embarrassed to show how little of the language I've learned in our time here!
Chick-fil-A
Avocados from California
Auntie Anne's pretzels
good Udon noodles
Ok, I'm going to stop now before I eat my arm.  Suffice it to say, there will be a lot of food involved.

*  Visit the Museum of Natural History.
Isaiah really loved it when we lived in Los Angeles.  We might have to try our luck and squeeze in the Science Center the same day, which is right next to it and a great museum with a fun aquarium area in the Ecosystems exhibit.

*  Go swimming.
We can do this BOTH here and there!  Barring rain in the morning, we are planning to go tomorrow morning.  It will be the first time I've taken the boys here, so we're looking forward to it.

*  See fireworks.
Not sure how feasible this is.  We'll be here for the 4th of July.  Do they do fireworks here?  I'll have to find out.  Maybe we can get in on some leftovers once we hit the States.

*  Spend time with a LOT of people!
This might be the only time you will hear this introvert say that!  But, there are a lot of people we are missing and excited to see when we visit the States, and there are some good friends here in Nepal that are only here near us for a season or are leaving soon for a year or are just a bit less busy than they were this past season, and we want to have time to just spend with them!  Our time in the States will likely feel a little crammed, so we just want to make sure to soak up time with family and good friends!

I'm sure there are other things we want to and will do, especially since we're still thinking about what we want to make sure to hit in our trip to the States, but that's my start at least for some highlights to aim to hit this summer!

Goals

In case I haven't mentioned it before, I'm a planner.  I'm a recovering perfectionist, type-A, driven, achievement-oriented, list-making lady.  Grace is a challenge for me to wrap my brain around most of the time and an even bigger challenge for me to really receive, extend, and live in.

Life has a funny way of refining you, and the past couple of years have brought many challenges to those tendencies in me.  Since moving to Nepal, life has felt in a nearly constant reactionary mode, which is a huge stretch for me.  Letting go of to-do lists and control.  It has grown me and continued me on my ever-deepening understanding and experience of the Father's grace!  

But, let's be honest, I'm still a planner.

A couple of weeks ago, a friend and I were able to get away a bit for the weekend, and I have to admit one of the best parts for me was being able to jot down a list of some goals for the upcoming season.  I have prayed, and I know that I need to hold them loosely, but I am eager to be back in a season that feels intentional.  It is a fine line for me between intentional and driven.  I know that there are gifts God has given me, and I need to stay submitted to Him to continue to refine those gifts, as they are also the areas of greatest weakness for me.  (Isn't it funny how that is so often the case?)

Just this morning, I heard a message on Pentecost, and the pastor was focusing on how we need to remember that is it not our own strength, not our own power that we need to live out of.  That is hard for me to really remember often, so I'm making my list, I'm focusing on some goals, I'm setting out to be intentional in this next stretch, while at the same time trying to fully rely on God to carry them out or the grace to release them if He shifts directions on me!

All that said, here are my goals through the end of June:

*  Review Nepali language lessons and catch up to the place I left off on our last trip (but haven't really touched since then).  I really feel like it's important for me and would help Isaiah a lot if I got back into learning Nepali and working on it.  It has been something that has kept getting set aside, and it's time to dive back in!

*  Make some charts for Isaiah for chores and for media use.  He does much better with things if the expectations and boundaries and very clear and he has some control in managing them.  

*  Have my quiet times in the morning.  This might be one of the hardest for me because I am not a morning person, AND my kids are waking up ridiculously early these days, but I really want to start my days in the presence of God and not dragging into the day with eyes and heart half-open.

*  Related to the morning times, and also a notable discipline for myself, is to set a bedtime for myself and sticking to it.  I usually have a pile of things I want to get done after the boys go to bed, but I am realizing that my family needs me to be more present more than they need lots of stuff to get done.  

*  Exercise three times a week.  Ironically, it's not that I don't like to exercise.  Much more could be said on the inner workings of my psyche and things I internalized from the culture I grew up in, but it feels self-indulgent.  Selfish.  Ugh.  But, my boys need to see it modeled, and I need to keep up that habit to be in good health, so I keep trying to reset my brain to see it as something that is not purely selfish.  Starting small with probably 10-15 minutes, three times a week.

*  Blog at least once a week.  I like to write.  Blogging has been a good outlet, and I hope to go beyond that in some projects, at some point, but for now, I want to make it a priority to set aside time to do that each week.

*  Read a book.  We read a lot of books every day, but I'm talking about one without pictures.  One just for me to read.  I haven't decided which one yet.  I'll probably choose one of the many I've had on my list to read about parenting.  Any recommendations for AMAZING books to read?

*  Have one date night out and set aside one date night in.  This is something we talked about before we came, but it has been harder to arrange than we had anticipated, for many reasons.  I'm an introvert and can be a homebody, so while I love the quality time, it is also easy for me to default to just staying in, but I know that I always enjoy getting out for an evening just with John, away from what is essentially my workplace and the distractions of things to get done here at home.

*  Set aside one time "off" and continue this monthly.  I love my kids.  They are amazing, but with homeschooling, I am with them ALL the time, and I have been remembering my own need to have a little time "off duty" every once in awhile, even if it is just to get out on my own to do some errands!

*  Settle curriculum for homeschool for fall.  I want to get our curriculum ordered so that I can bring it back with us from our trip to the States this summer, and I really want to get some plans mapped out for the year for both boys.

Writing it out kind of feels like a lot on top of the effort that daily life here (and anywhere really with two little balls of energy circling around me) takes.  Humbly admitting my need for His strength to stay on track!

Where I Come From

I was making a simple cucumber salad the other night.  To call it a salad even seems too grand given that it is basically a soured cream and over cucumbers, but my mom and grandma and my great-grandma used to make it.  Standing in the middle of my kitchen in Kathmandu, Nepal, it made me suddenly feel Mennonite and Midwestern and connected to where I come from.  And, I found myself lost in something deeper than just nostalgia or sentimentality, though there is certainly much of that mixed in.  Nothing is perfect this side of heaven, and there were certainly challenges to growing up in any culture and family, but I found myself thinking about the uniqueness of where I come from, what I come from, and realizing that I could fill up an entire list of 1000 gifts with just these things alone!
I am grateful for the gifts, for the joys, and even the challenges!
Because I come from:
*  generations who have been faithful to the Lord and faithful to family
*  knowing not only all of my grandparents but many of my great-grandparents as well and sharing my growing up with them
*  great-grandparents who were married for 75 years, grandparents who were married 71 years, and parents who are still married after 38 years!
*  people who value peace as more than just a political statement
*  being known instantly in an entire area where I never lived by simply identifying myself as one of "J. John's grandkids"
*  riding in tractors and digging in dirt and feeding newborn animals from a bottle and people who are connected to the land and the food they have worked hard to produce
*  "corn days" that gathered entire extended families to store away what an entire season had been dedicated to growing
*  canning days and baking days and sewing days of beautiful women gathered together and working as one to make wonderful things from scratch
*  attending weddings, baby showers, and funerals and seeing the beauty and lives walk gracefully through each
*  four-part acapella singing that still gives me goosebumps
*  potluck meals with whole tables dedicated just to home-baked desserts
*  joyful simple living as a choice
*  an astounding work ethic and perseverance
*  knowing who my 3rd cousins, twice-removed are :)
*  a town that all gathers for the Friday night basketball game
*  teachers who knew me and were part of my life before, during, and after I was in their classes
*  wide open spaces to run and ride my bike without anyone worrying about where I was
*  night skies full of stars
*  countless numbers of books being read to me, even at the ends of long and weary days
*  never being allowed to leave the house without eating breakfast and knowing there would always, always be food--good food--in my home
*  knowing always that I was loved and treasured
*  never having an extra-curricular event (years and years of sports and academic programs and whatever else) without at least one family member present
*  special "global meals" prepared by my mom to help us catch a broader vision of the world
*  being protected by and taken care of by my dad, even when I couldn't admit to needing it
*  parents who gave me the freedom to choose my way of faith but modeled a life of faith
*  a community that comes together to support when hard times strike
*  Christmas celebrations that bent the "rules" for simplicity
*  "sticking Psalms"
*  picnics, parties, and "ordinary" Sunday afternoons at my grandparents' home
*  tire swings in big, strong trees
*  4-H livestock shows and county fairs
*  overnight stays at my grandparents' home filled with milkshakes, "Button, button, who's got the button?", and hearty farm breakfasts
*  extended family gatherings for holidays
*  decorating for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving
*  annual trips to Chicago to see the Christmas windows at Marshall Field's and choose a new ornament
*  family trips to Chicago to museums, Cubs' games, Ed Debevic's, and other restaurants
*  Bible Memory club
*  respecting elders
*  a community that values self-discipline and sacrifice
*  a great-grandmother whose gift of hospitality made bologna sandwiches taste like the most amazing feast
*  parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins who prayed and still pray for me, for their friends and families and communities and this incredible world God created and loves
*  sharing battles and victories with my little brother
*  "being rooted and established in love"

This is a fraction of the list of gifts.
I come from blessing, from love, from abundant gifts beyond what I can ever express or count.
And, it is a gift just to be able to remember where I come from.

Exploring New Territory

I realized that it has been awhile since I've written anything here!  After a pretty chaotic stretch (thus my previous post), we had some travel, and then things have been fairly uneventful for a couple of weeks, which has kind of felt odd.
Anyway, we're still here.
I feel like I constantly have little questions or lessons about life here, but every once in awhile, I have these moments of realizing something or learning something that catches me off guard a bit.
Today, we were out for a walk.  I was letting Isaiah lead the way on our walk.  We started going a way that we have been many times, and then he wanted to take a different turn than we had taken before.  Lately, he has been uncharacteristically eager to explore new paths and places he hasn't seen before.  After we turned a different direction on a road, he wanted to turn onto a path that looked like it led down beside a small field into the middle of people's homes.  It didn't seem like a dead end, though, so I followed him, and we went exploring.  It was definitely a spot that we got asked right away about a dozen times where we were going.  A group of kids came around my boys and started to try to talk with us some and mostly watch us and talk about us.  I'm kind of used to it, but it really frustrates Isaiah, especially when he feels like they are laughing at him.
A man nearby at what appeared to perhaps be a tiny shop started to chat with me.  I frequently get asked about the boys going to school, so I was expecting that question, and it is hard to explain sometimes that I teach them at home for now.  But, a question that I wasn't expecting came up, "Don't they have any friends?"  It kind of caught me off-guard, and I said, "Well, yes, they have friends."  I didn't really understand the reason for the question.  He said something about here being better for friends or something.  As I started thinking about it, I hardly ever see a Nepali kid older than a toddler playing by themselves.  Most of the time, kids are playing in a group or at least with another friend, and I very rarely see an adult around, so I realized that it must have been quite odd for the two boys to be on a walk with their mom and no other kids.
I mean, most people also think my kids are notably older than they are because they are a little bit big for their age by American standards, which means they are REALLY big compared to Nepali kids their age.  The other boys that came around them, for instance, were roughly the same size as Isaiah, maybe an inch or two taller.  I assumed that they were probably a bit older than him, but it turned out they were 9 and 10 years old!  (Isaiah's 4 1/2.)
It was just one of those moments that I realized that "normal" is so different here, and we are constantly learning how odd we must seem to people here!  American culture is so much more individualistic, and the culture here, which I realized is even quite evident in kids and their common experiences, is much more communal.  It is new territory to us to find a mix of being ok with being odd at times, preserving our home culture, but also learning from and adapting to another culture and figuring out how to experience life here fully in a culture that we often are unaware of what is "normal."  Forging ahead...