I have been realizing some things about myself lately and some things that I greatly desire or need. It has been a challenging phase of parenting for me, which has left me discouraged (and exhausted) many days, especially with starting a new school year. I have known that my own strengths are not enough for this season, but really living grace and abiding in God's presence have been long-standing challenges for me. As we were reading a passage from Acts 2 recently, I was struck by verse 43: "Everyone was filled with awe..." It goes on to talk about miracles and signs and wonders, but what struck me was that the order was seeming to suggest that it wasn't because of the miracles that they were in awe. Those things came. But, they were in awe because of the apostles' teaching and the experience of community they were living and the presence of the Lord among them.
I have been realizing that, in this season, I have really been lacking (and longing for) a sense of awe, a wonder, a consuming passion for God and His kingdom. In reflecting on some of the challenges in parenting, I truly believe that the most significant thing I can do as a parent for my boys is to be radically and contagiously in love with God! There are no methods or logic or decisions that can make me a perfect parent, and I cannot ultimately control my boys' hearts and minds and decisions. I want for them to love God and live for Him, but the most powerful thing I can do is let them see that be what consumes me!
In case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm a type-A person who really struggles with just "being." I like to-do lists and productivity and having defined tasks I have accomplished. I have always tended toward doing the "right" things or trying to find the "perfect" method or decision for something, even if it is getting closer to God. Yet, I have felt this challenge lately to just "be" with Him, to let Him capture my heart again with His love and His grace and His presence.
I have still often not made the space that I should for this, but the times that I have, it has still been a challenge for me. I am often too distracted or having a hard time really setting aside my mental to-do list.
Tonight, through seeing a few posts from a mentor of ours and hitting some frustrations with the Sunday School lesson I was preparing, I started digging into one of the books we have from this mentor Bill Jackson. This particular text is his "NothinsGonnaStopIt: The Storyline of the Bible," which is largely his materials he had put together for his presentations he has done for many years on the Story. On the cover, it says, "One God, one Story, one plan." As I read words and phrases, I could feel a stirring in my soul that I have had every time I have engaged this amazing Story. Really encountering and digging into this bigger Story of God has, for many years, been a passion for my husband and me that I realized tonight I haven't really directly engaged in quite awhile. It is what prompted us to name our first son Isaiah Jackson--Isaiah meaning "God is salvation," and Jackson after our mentor and signifying this one Story throughout history of God's salvation!
"What it means to be human, then, is to reflect the image and glory of God to the world." That's a quote from Jax, as many call him, and as I read that and other lines, that passion was being reignited. That's my purpose--to reflect the image and glory of God to the world, to my boys, to my family and friends, and those I meet. Even just reading little tidbits tonight for a few minutes has been renewing my mind and my heart, and I realized this is exactly what I need in this season. I have had many amazing and powerful times just sitting in God's presence, but reading and soaking in His Story connects so deeply for me, and it just jumped out to me as the fresh breath of life that my soul needs in this season. So, I've decided to focus on reading this whole text of NGSI and just bought "The Eden Project: A Short Story" (by Bill Jackson) to read as well. And, I am feeling that filling of awe that I know that I need and desire!
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