Marked by Mercy

Just as we walked around the corner, all of the pigeons in the square took off from the ground with a collective shudder. Muscles tensed. Hands gripped tightly. Eyes welled up with tears.

The photos might look like just a foreign family visiting a cultural heritage site. But behind the photos, there are scars. Deep ones. This was a site of trauma for us nearly 6 years ago, but it is also a marker of unspeakable mercy and deliverance.  Here the earth shook beneath us, and things were shaken loose inside of us. There is before the earthquake, and there is after the earthquake, but it will always be a marker in time.

Some of us have returned since that day. One son had not. The season that followed that day years ago manifested trauma that I didn't know how or if it could heal. I have seen healing since that day, but I still did not know whether he would ever be able to set foot in that place again. Before we leave this country that has been our home for many years, it felt worth trying. John and I wanted to mark that place, not for the terror it held, but for the mercy. We held the plan loosely, not knowing whether it would be a healthy step or just one that seared through the scars, bubbling too much to the surface.

The entry was hard. Seeing the scene that was so painfully familiar triggered reactions beyond conscious thought or control. We waited, and we prayed, and we cried. But slowly we eased in, and our friend started taking the photos. Grips didn't loosen at first, but faint smiles and eventually some laughs came. Eventually even a bold request to personally mark the very spot most significant for my boy.

Trauma was not the final word. I don't understand the depths of God's mercy, and I know we do not deserve it! But His mercy covered us, delivered us, not only 6 years ago but also this return visit. 

This place is marked in our hearts and minds forever. There are still scars, but they tell a story of mercy and healing and victory!

 

Hospitality

“That house was...'a perfect house, whether you liked food or sleep or story-telling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all.' Merely to be there was a cure for weariness, fear, and sadness.”

Some recent challenges from friends who own and run a local café, combined with some other things, have had me thinking about hospitality a lot lately. 
It started with their challenge to post about someone with whom we had experienced incredible hospitality.  And I realized I had such a flood of names and faces that came to mind. 
I grew up surrounded by extended family, blessed to be part of a small community that cared for each other, was welcomed into the homes of many friends throughout my childhood and early adulthood, have been part of church families that felt truly like families, enjoyed sharing life with wonderful colleagues, and have lived in cultures beyond my own that have embraced me and my family and that model true hospitality.

One of the people who has been on my mind a lot lately is my great-grandmother.  She had a gift and she used it faithfully to bless anyone around her with loving presence.  I think of the quote about Elrond's house.  Her home and her presence refreshed body and soul.  She was a great cook, but more than that, everything she touched just tasted wonderful, even Wonder bread and bologna sandwiches.  Hospitality has usually been linked closely in my mind to food.  There is something about breaking bread with someone, about someone sharing of their sustenance and their time and their culture to offer something to feed the person that has been welcomed into the home.  My great-grandmother always kept a batch of these cookies in her freezer, along with other treats, so there was always something to pull out when a visitor stopped by.  The cookies were tasty, but I think it was also about the fact that she had prepared herself for your visit before you even considered it yourself.  She made her food and offered it with love, gracefully refreshing the person in front of her.

In her later years, when she or great-grandpa needed various nurses to come in to check on or work with them, all of them consistently commented on the time they spent praying for people and the peace in their home.  She cared deeply for people, and she poured out herself in time and effort and presence to bless those with the gifts she'd been given.

As I've thought again recently many times over the topic of hospitality, I have felt a loss in the current times.  I miss having people in my home.  I miss preparing food to treat those who enter.  I have struggled to know how to bless those around me in this time, and I still don't have a lot of clarity on that.  But I know that, in any season, I hope to have some small glimpse of Elrond or my great-grandma in their presence and grace to BE that kind of place that blesses and refreshes weary souls, that is grounded in the Presence and a humble enough vessel to offer some small glimpse to dear ones of Home.  As I prepared a batch of these cookies that make me feel so nostalgic, I once again prayed for those who I hoped to extend these simple offerings to.  I don't doubt that the cookies themselves are a very small thing indeed, but I hope they speak even some small whisper of Home and of being loved and welcomed into a much bigger and greater Presence than mine!  I have been incredibly blessed in my life, not just with resources and models for hopefully cooking well, but with love and grace, and whether I can have people in my home right now or not, I pray for those to be poured out on the precious lives around me.

2019 in Reading

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted anything!
I have a whole pile of "drafts" that I never finished or at least never posted.
But, rather than go back and edit/finish/decide on sharing those, I'm just going to roll forward a bit.
There are heaps of wonderful sites reviewing and sharing book recommendations and insights on literature.  I don't have much unique to add to that realm, but I just figured I would use this space to share some of what I've especially enjoyed in the bookish realm.

Getting back to a reading habit in the past several years has been an absolute delight!  I actually realized how much it has come to me when I had a rougher year with it this last year (especially the latter half) than many recent years.  But, I still was able to read some great books and feel thankful that I think I have sorted out a few things to get some good reading habits back on track.

Some favorites for me (and if you see middle grade fantasy overrepresented in the list, draw your own conclusions/judgments; some haven't even been read by/with my kids!):

The Door Before by N. D. Wilson

I love Wilson's storytelling!  I also finished The Last of the Lost Boys early on in the year, and while I liked it, that Outlaws of Time series is my least favorite of his (time travel tweaks with me).  But, The Door Before tied together 100 Cupboards and Ashtown Burials and was brilliant!  I loved it!  (Ashtown Burials was my favorite series, by the way, but I do recommend starting with 100 Cupboards, and it is also great!)
Boys of Blur was technically my first completed read of this year, but it was also thrilling!  I could not put it down!

    

The Princess & the Goblin and The Princess & Curdie by George MacDonald

This was the first I had ever read from MacDonald.  I read these aloud to my boys, and we all really enjoyed them.  They are a little odd but delightful.

     

The Wilderking Trilogy by Jonathan Rogers

The first of this series was a reread for me, but then the other two were ones my son had gone on to tear through in his earlier independent days as a voracious reader, so I only had read bits and pieces.  This is a fantastic series!  We had a book club for the first one, which was a heap of fun!  I forgot how funny these are!  And, wonderfully insightful without being preachy.  The stories are engaging and adventurous.  We had so much fun reading these.  My son still often runs around the house shirtless claiming to be a bare-chested feechie!  Read them yourself and find out! ;)



      

Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien

This was my first time reading these.  I had read The Hobbit with the boys a couple of times before, but I had been waiting for my older son (11) to be ready to read these, thinking we would read them at the same time and share about them.  Well, he flew past me, started rereading them and nearly finished them a second time before I finished once!  And, he was constantly bursting to talk about them.  The books are obviously wonderful, but my favorite part was the conversations with my son and his intense enthusiasm for these stories and Tokien's genius.  The one request he had for homeschool this year was to learn Elvish, so yeah, we're in deep.
I have to admit that this is one series that I almost felt nervous reading because it seemed like a series I would/should love to the point that, if I didn't, I was afraid of a potential identity crisis!  Only mildly joking.  Thankfully, I did love them.  I got a little bogged down in the Dead Marshes, but I just absolutely loved so much in these.  It's hard to deny Tokien's genius, and it was a privilege to live in Middle Earth for some time.

         

His LOTR obsessions meets with his Great British Bake-off love
Stöllen crafted as Galadriel's ring, complete with elanor flowers and mallorn leaves

My son every day lately!

Son's gingerbread house

The Narnia series

We're actually still finishing up the series, and it's a reread, but it just doesn't get old!  These are so, so good.  We had a book club for The Voyage of the Dawn Treader this year, and my younger one was quite young for our last read, so it has been great fun revisiting Narnia.

Please read them in publication order and NOT the order you'll find printed on most sets!  You MUST enter Narnia through the wardrobe, in my opinion!

Beauty in the Word by Stratford Caldecott

One of the areas I did not read nearly as much as I had hoped was educational philosophy or just other nonfiction even as well.  But two that I did read I really enjoyed!  This one was in a stretch when my reading was just very choppy and interrupted in terms of time, so I felt like I wasn't getting the best out of it, but as I've been going back and adding the things I highlighted to my "commonplace notebook," I've been enjoying thinking over those insights again.

Know and Tell by Karen Glass

This is the other nonfiction/education book I really enjoyed.  Honestly, I'm not even finished with it yet because I wanted to dive into using it and let the things connect into my mind and practice more before finishing off the practical stuff for the later years/stages.  I had been sort of doing narration for awhile, but this book really helped to solidify by understanding of it, the value and richness in it (which lends insight into the learning process, in general), and some very practical bits of how to implement it well.  Though narration had seemed that it should be simple, I found this book was just what I needed to really connect to it and use it.  

The Iliad by Homer

Wow, I can't say this was a favorite, but I definitely feel pleased to have completed it.  I want to like Homer.  I'm not sure I'm there yet.  Maybe it's the pacifist upbringing that struggled to drag myself through the series of who killed who and spilled their guts all over in gory displays.  There are parts I can genuinely say I found really poetic and interesting and even insightful.  But, it was a bit of a discipline overall.  What I do love, though is the class I'm trying to go through related to it and others of The Great Books---Old Western Culture from Roman Roads.  I met Daniel Foucachon (founder and CEO of Roman Roads) at a homeschool conference, and the enthusiasm he and his wife have for what they do was so contagious!  I think they are a great company putting out high quality educational materials and resources!  And, Wes Callihan is so great teaching on the great books!  I want to love Homer because they (and others I respect) love Homer.  Maybe I'll get there. ;) I'm plugging away through The Odyssey now and, hopefully, I will have completed the first unit of Greeks:  The Epics by spring.  It is one of FOUR units that are supposed to make up a year of study for high school, and it's only taken me a year and a half.  Ha.  I do have to say that, as I was watching one of the videos for the class, I thought, Is it really realistic to think of a high school student reading these and going through this?  My son had slipped in next to me and was watching the video and started making comments and asking questions and was, at 11 years old, already intrigued and able to engage in the conversation, and it just made me thankful for the education he is getting that I wish I had.  I bought these with a mix of motivation to both preview as a possibility to use for the boys for high school but also to continue with and fill in gaps for my own education.

Bookish Things

Beyond the books themselves, there are some delightful bookish things that are either highlights from last year or that I at least haven't shared before.
I am a fan of The Literary Life podcast.  I don't and up listening to every episode (I have a hard time keeping up with any podcasts!), but I thoroughly enjoy their recommendations and insights!

They just recently did an episode on their year in reading, and I thoroughly enjoyed that one!
https://www.theliterary.life/031/

Angelina Stanford is one of the people who does the podcast, and I have been blown away listening to her talk about and teach about literature!  These are old episodes of podcasts, but I believe my introduction to her was an episode of Pam Barnhill's podcast on which she spoke about fairy tales, and then she also later did an episode on the same podcast about myths.  Both are wonderful!  I have listened to both more than once, and I frequently recommend these two episodes to parents especially.
https://pambarnhill.com/ymb41/ Why Fairy Tales Are Not Optional
https://pambarnhill.com/ymb60/ The Truth about Myth

Angelina also did a web class on Dickens's A Christmas Carol that was thoroughly delightful! I'll share more about it in a post about favorite Christmas/Advent resources.

I am not great at making things look beautiful. I don't have a gift for aesthetics, and I've struggled to value it, at times, even though I've come to believe very much in the value of it in recent years. One very small thing that has helped me add just a touch of beauty is Jennifer Trafton's reading log. Somehow it has been a good access point for me because I think my brain feels like it's organizing and tracking something and somehow feeling productive or a sense of seeing what is completed. I'm not the best at picking color schemes or doing artistic things with it, but that is one of the things I love about it--it's simple enough to easily access with not a heap of investment of time (or money) but also could be extended to look even more lovely. Also in her Etsy shop, she has some absolutely lovely art prints of book quotes or scenes, including one that she did for us on a quote from The Wingfeather Saga, which is a very beloved series in our family, as well as some fun coloring pages with book quotes. I think her art is whimsical and insightful. (She's also a great author and creative writing teacher, by the way!)

The last one I'll share for now was a bit of a random and fun find on Etsy, and that is the shop SaltyandLit. She has such fun natural soy scented candles with bookish themes! We could not resist The Shire candle! She has a whole bunch for Middle Earth and Narnia and other ones that look great as well!

There are heaps more wonderful books and bookish things, but those are just a few highlights. I would love to hear from other friends on favorites or highlights from your reading and bookish life from recent seasons!

New Year

There have been floods and floods of articles and posts about the new year--about how or if to make resolutions or choose a word or which resolutions or goals you should make or how to stick with them, and on and on and on.

I, for one, have rarely been so eager for a fresh new year.  I have no sagely advice and feel largely inadequate to fully reflect this past year for myself.  I can't even think of a word that feels like it fits to describe it.  Between the earthquake in April and now the shortages due to the political situation here in Nepal, it's been a lot to process and rather overwhelming.  Unfortunately, we are still in the peak of the crisis from the blockade and political standoff.  So, the roll-over of the calendar doesn't automatically hit the rest button for life, but thankfully, it has been an opportunity for me to at least take a few moments of quiet to sit with it all.

I have found it difficult to reflect on the past year with much clarity in many areas.  So much of it feels like a blur...and one that is still swirling.  I know there are incredible things that I have learned and beautiful moments and heaps of grace in the midst of the hard.  I just feel a bit inadequate to put words to much of it still.

One thing that I have felt as I've sat, looking back at the year, is a fresh grief.  There has been much grieving, and our personal difficulties have been so much less than so many around us, which is a different kind of grieving.  But, this wasn't directly about the events themselves but the loss of moments.  In the overwhelming demand of the immediate and basics of the days here, moments were lost in the blur.  Rhythms went out the window.  Goals and dreams and vision were stunted and often set aside in the mix.  I can't even fully describe this fresh sense of loss as I realize that there are things that I missed--that I don't even really know what they are--as the needs of life in these recent seasons took over thought and energy and time.  

As we move into a new year, I am a mixer of goals and resolutions and choosing a word (well, let's be honest, I am incapable of only choosing ONE word at any time in life!).  My prayers for myself are for continued and fresh grace and that God will help me to grow in being PRESENT even if I am weary or the world is swirling around me.  I pray that He will help me to be FAITHFUL in the SMALL, in the daily, in the mundane even; may I release my need to be "great" or do "great" things and instead be focused on being small, on choosing JOY, on LOVING well, on truly learning to LISTEN (an area in which I have realized I have a great deal of growing to do!).

So, those are my "words" for this new year:

faithful

small

present

joy

love

LISTEN

Here I Raise My Ebeneezer

As the taxi pulled to a stop, I could feel my throat tighten.  I stepped out of the taxi, and the lump grew larger, and my eyes instantly welled up with tears.
This place.  Here.

I don't feel afraid, but the intensity of it--of the last time I was here, in this place--it feels like I can't quite catch my breath as I approach.
This place.  Here.

The last time I was here was Saturday, April 25.  I won't ever forget that date.  As we stood with visiting friends, the earth around us shook, and we watched as the structure on which my son had been standing when the shaking started, collapsed in a heap of rubble only seconds later.  The air filled with dust so thick we couldn't see anything.  Couldn't see my other boy, my baby.  The earth still shaking and me grasping for my boys.  Utterly helpless, I heard our friend shouting, "I have him!  I have Ezekiel!"
Here.  In this place.

Parenting has broken down many layers of my illusions of control, but never have I experienced anything that shattered that illusion so completely and so quickly.  As much as I may sometimes (sadly, still) believe or act as if I, on my own, can protect my boys or take care of my family, as if I am enough to meet their needs, in that moment, there was nothing I could do.  I could not protect.  I could not save.  I could not even SEE.
Here in this place.

And, yet, they--WE, ALL of our family--were protected.  We were saved.  We were SEEN.
Here in this place.

So, what can I do but come back?  To worship.  To give thanks beyond what any words can express.  To praise the One who saw us and protected us and saved us.

This place.  Here.  It is a reminder to me of a goodness and a grace we in NO WAY deserve.  It is a reminder of mercies far beyond my understanding.  I may not place a physical stone there, but HERE.  Here I "raise my Ebeneezer"--my help stone.  "Thus far has the Lord helped us."

Here is my place of remembering. To tell my children, Here in this place.  We have seen God's radical protection and mercy on our lives.

So, here I stand.  In this place.  I take in the true miracle of it as I see it clearly.  The tears flow, but the tightening fades away.  I worship Our Protector, Our Savior, The One Who Sees Us, and I give Him thanks.  And I remember.  In my heart and my mind I will always remember this place. 

Here I raise my Ebeneezer.

To Serve My Son in Love

Last night my son woke up crying because his ear hurt badly.  He's been sick for about a week now with cough and cold and flu-like symptoms off and on. 

It consumed a good deal of my evening, and it was difficult to soothe him.  I couldn't help feeling a bit frustrated about the situation, especially knowing that today had been announced as a "banda" (general strike when no transportation other than emergency vehicles is allowed to run), so I knew we wouldn't be able to take him anywhere if he needed to be seen.

But, that frustration quickly melted away, and I ended up thanking God for these moments, holding my boy and having the privilege to care for him.  At first I had wanted to just get it "fixed" and put him back in his bed and move on with my evening, but I ending up soaking in the moment with a deep sense of gratitude.  I'm not commenting on any parenting philosophy of setting boundaries or not or anything of that nature, just that in that particular moment, I was able to be fully there and able to see God there with me.

There was a time that my kids getting sick triggered some really dark places in me.  Each time that they get sick now, and I realize that the old fear and panic isn't there any longer, I am so thankful for the freedom.  Even when we ended up in the emergency room last week for a fairly simple issue because there was some form of medical strike keeping the regular clinic open--and that ER is a hard place--I could walk in peace.  The last time we had been in that room, I felt like it was closing in on me from the chaos around me and the fear rising inside.  But, this time, I could see.  Really see.  So many hurting and needing, and I could see beyond me.  So I am thankful to hold my sick boy in those moments at night.  Because I was free and at peace and could just love without fear.

And, as I laid next to him, I was overwhelmed with things I had read earlier in the evening and shaken from the temptation to just "move on" with my evening.  My friend is spending this week with her little boy at a hospital far from home for tests and procedures and a whole week of hard and watching her little guy face so much but holding on to hope and the beauty of the little guy God created as her son.

A friend of a friend has recently seen her son...the same age as my older boy...pass on from this life after a long, hard battle with cancer.  My friend had posted just yesterday what she had written about the intense, consuming battle it was for them all.  She wrote, "It was an incredible honor to serve my son in love."

And of the feelings of his passing, she wrote, "When I became a mama to my one and only son...the significance of what happened on the cross deepened for me. Mary was there. She saw her son suffer. Maybe like me she begged Jesus to let go. To end his pain. Maybe like me Mary felt her heart rip in two when her son took his last breath. One half full of peace that he was free of pain and suffering. The other half bleeding with unbearable grief at her loss."

I think of my cousin who had to watch two of her little triplet babies die and what she wouldn't give to hold them for any reason.  I know she walked through so much just to hold her miracle boy and then later his sister.

I cannot truly even fathom the depth of pain and the sacrifice so many walk through with their children.  Even thinking or reading it now brings me to tears.  Friends and family and those I don't even know have walked bravely and humbly and gracefully through true sorrow and sacrifice.

And, I think how often I fail to recognize the incredible gift that is right in front of me...the opportunity to serve my boys in love.  

So, as I lay there with my generally healthy son for my one slightly "disrupted" evening, I felt such an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  I have to admit that cleaning up vomit or being woken up through the night or washing sheets in the middle of the night or fighting boys to take medicine or any of those common mothering things are rarely viewed in my heart and mind as a privilege, but truly, tonight I can say that I am so thankful for the chance, these small moments, to serve my son in love.  May my eyes see every day that gift and may my heart remember with joy these moments.

Confessions of a Fashion Failure

Fashion sense has always eluded me.
I've gone through seasons where I make more effort than others, but always it eludes me.

I very distinctly remember a school picture in, I believe, 5th grade (clearly old enough to know better) for which I put together my very "best" ensemble, which consisted of my "nice" sweat pants and a "fancy" t-shirt that had some portion of the design that was the same color as the main color of my sweat pants.  Oh, and a headband, though I am not 100% sure if the color of it matched anything.

I hit a phase in middle school where I felt odd in just about every way and sought to remedy at least some of those areas.  I tried really hard to be girly and do my hair like the other girls and wear at least a few of the clothes that seemed popular.  I got a few items of B.U.M. Equipment and Umbro (yes, I'm also old).  I could never pull off Hypercolor because I was also a very sweaty girl!  At several points in that, though, I can remember thinking, take away that labels, and I just have a striped t-shirt and slick shorts--this is dumb!  Thankfully, that phase didn't last long, and I abandoned the labels.

Most of high school was spent in flannel shirts and jeans (though that was actually a bit popular at the time...at least I think it was!).

I actually hit a phase in college and soon after in which I had some style.  Mind you, it was never what was "in style," and I can't say that it even "worked," but it was some sort of style.  One of the problems, though, in addition to my utter lack of fashion sense, is that I've always been very frugal (ahem, cheap) and pragmatic.  Especially once I started teaching and then became a mom, things that weren't comfortable or didn't last just didn't make the cut.  Thus, slipping back into my hopeless lack of fashion.

I actually had students in the inner city offer to buy me new shoes because they pitied mine!

And, at another job, I actually had a co-worker say to me once, "I was watching an episode of 'What Not to Wear' last night, and it made me think of you."

Mix my fashion failures with my frugality, introversion, and indecisiveness, and shopping is just downright horrifying most of the time.

I have, in recent seasons, become more aware of the many, many injustices in the fashion industry and what actually is involved in producing a lot of the clothes we wear.  Being fully aware of my failings at being fashionable, I think it most likely seems easy for me to say that clothes-buying habits need to change.  I don't buy many, and looking stylish is not a priority to me.  So, it might come across as very preachy to point out the flaws with most American fashion consumption habits.  Truly, though, friends, I have failed as a consumer as well.  Do you remember me mentioning being cheap?  I have a hard time paying more when I know there is a cheaper option.  And, given that I hate shopping, I often go for the easiest option available, and adding more factors to complicate something that already thoroughly overwhelm me is daunting, to say the least.

However, the point isn't to prove that it's hard for me to make different choices, too.  Whether something is hard or not is not the measure of whether it's worth doing.  I don't need to make different choices about the clothes I purchase because it is easy or in order to make it into some sort of noble sacrifices because it is hard.  Good choices are good choices, regardless of the cost.

So, yes, I--the total fashion failure--is encouraging, URGING, others to think about the choices they are making for what they buy and wear.
The good news is you don't have to look like me!  Go ahead, you can breathe a sigh of relief.  I know my reality.
I have friends who are artistic and creative and have a true gift for putting things together in ways that are stylish and beautiful who are leading the way in not only making better choices but CREATING better options and working within the industry to bring justice and dignity to those producing the fashion that people wear.  Look to them, not to me.  They get it--fashion sense with a heart for justice and plan for sustainability!

I've done a bit of reading and been encouraged by these friends.  There are tons of people who write on this much more eloquently than I do and have done far more research.  Check out some links below, but on a very basic level, how do you even go about making better choices?
Well, being informed is a good start.
Buying less and knowing where your clothing comes from are huge!
Being willing to spend a bit more (welp!) on things that are produced fairly and with sustainability in mind is important.  (Probably naturally leads back to also buying less.)

So, first some links to some friends who are doing great work:
Purnaa
My friends at purnaa are super inspiring!  They do great work, both in a fashion sense and in the realm of social justice!  They are primarily wholesale, but you can group together with friends and place an order that meets the minimum ($500) and order when one of their catalogs is out.  And, if you know of boutiques or designers or other potential buyers/contracts, give them a referral!

Trade for Freedom
Their main products are jewelry, but they also have a few accessories like handbags or scarves, at times, and they work in partnership with another fantastic group we know and love here called Beauty for Ashes.

Then, some links for resources to help in decision-making:
Fashion Revolution
I just discovered this group last night, actually, after my friends at Purnaa posted about an upcoming Fashion Revolution Day.  It's April 24, so what a great opportunity coming up to connect to a new way of choosing fashion!  The link above is their "education" section.  They have even have resource packs designed for kids!  There is also a quiz to help you discover what you know about the industry and learn more about it.

Free2Work
This is a GREAT resource for not only the fashion industry but for other industries as well, as they have done thorough reports, evaluating multiple criteria for various companies and reports about trends in trouble industries (toy, chocolate, coffee, clothing, tech, etc.).

And, just a couple other articles to help gather information and plan:
5 Tips for Keeping a Sweatshop-Free Closet
5 Truths the Fashion Industry Doesn't Want You to Know
The Incredibly High Human Cost of Fast Fashion
Sweatship: Deadly Fashion  (This was linked in the post above but is the direct link to the documentary mini-series.)

Maybe this April 24 (Fashion Revolution) can be a start of something new for you?  It probably won't improve my fashion sense, but I know it is changing what's involved in my choices.  My hope is that change will come, not only to the fashion industry, but also to cultures and individual hearts to be more concerned with what our choices cost someone else than what they cost us!

Home for the Holidays

I am sitting here bundled up with a cup of tea next to my Christmas tree, feeling a strange mix of contentment and homesickness.  I have just spent a beautiful morning starting with my husband and kids doing our Jesse Tree devotions, bundling up on a great rainy and cold day, followed by joining with people from all over the world at our Sunday morning worship service, listening to lovely Christmas carols in Korean and watching a Bollywood dance number.  Then we enjoyed a good lunch with incredibly dear friends with whom we have the privilege of sharing life here.  And, now, I sit here, sipping tea and enjoying the sound of a light rain and the chill and a quiet moment in my HOME.

My heart feels so full.

Yet, there are the pangs as I open facebook and see the pictures of a beautiful girl we've known since she was a little girl in her wedding dress, surrounded by her incredible family and so many others we love so dearly.  Then there are the photos of other very dear friends and family members holding their children who I know only through pictures.  There are extended family gatherings and traditions, which my children will likely never experience.  And, I feel the sting of the loss.

The expression goes that "Home is where the heart is."  The truth of that statement is that home isn't really a place at all, and for those who have moved away from family and cherished friends, it leaves the heart feeling torn and scattered, sometimes all over the globe.  My heart is in Iowa and tiny little Morgan Township and Gary and Bethel College in Indiana and in Los Angeles and in Bhaisepati, Nepal and little pieces scattered with friends and family all over the world.  It is not possible to physically be where my heart is.

I am always and never at home.

Giving Thanks Tonight

This afternoon was terrifying!  I lost Isaiah.  I feel exhausted from the intensity of it, so I don't know how deep or articulate anything I write will be, but as we are now all safe at home together, I can't help trying to express how incredibly grateful I am.

First off, while we obviously have some things to work out with Isaiah (long story short, he ran ahead  of us and ran all the way back to our house--about a mile in total), on one hand, I feel grateful that a kid who was scared of so much when we moved here and has gone through seasons of feeling almost unable to deal with navigating life here, he seems to have some sort of crazy comfort and confidence in this place...HIS place.

Secondly, I am thankful for Nepal tonight.  There are certainly kind strangers in America, but you often see something go viral when there is a story of one person going out of their way to help a stranger.  Tonight, I was reminded of how people don't operate in isolation here culturally.  The shift can take some adjusting, but tonight, as I was quite quickly surrounded by a crowd of strangers, genuinely determined to help, I couldn't help be struck by this amazing aspect of this culture.  A man we have never seen telling my Dad to hop on the back of his motorcycle to drive up and down the road looking for our son.  Older kids and ladies scrambling to ask all around and search the area around us.  Several people pulling out phones and coordinating calling the police.  Not one, not two, but many, many people stopping to help.

And, last, but perhaps most significant to me, is my family, and by that, I mean not only my biological family but our "extended family" at CloudFactory!  My parents were with me, and I am so incredibly thankful for that!  Don't know that I would have ended up sane through any of it without them.  But, I have not, since high school, lived in the same town as my parents.  Since finishing college, I have lived quite far, and now, I live on the other side of the world.  God has always graciously provided beautiful community for us, and tonight was, in the midst of a horrifying experience, an incredible picture of what He has blessed us with here.  It didn't even register what was going on at first, as I walked back to the group of people that had gathered, within a few minutes of calling John at the office, and I saw a familiar face.  And, then another.  And another.  And, taking a few minutes to connect, I got a call from John that he had found Isaiah at home, and I realized that this huge group from the office had come specifically to look for our son!  They dropped what they were doing and instantly came to our aid.  Maybe you have that with your closest friend in the States?  Or, maybe a few?  But, literally, dozens of our friends were there, surrounding us.  Even after knowing Isaiah was found, some came back to our home to see him and just see and connect that he was ok.  That is not what just a co-worker, or even most friends, do.  That is what family does.

While I sit here tonight, exhausted but running it all back through my mind, words seem so inadequate to express the great gratitude I have.  I am SO thankful that my son is OK (though, if you see him on a leash, don't be surprised!)!  And, I am thankful for the amazing and very humbling display of the great blessings of people who surround us here!

Inside Out

I am an introvert.  I am an internal processor.  I'm convinced that is one of the things that keeps from doing well at actually blogging because I either mull things over in my head at length and feel that it is just so much extra work then to write them down, or I try to discipline myself to just write and not self-edit or analyze as I go, but then I am plagued by analyzing it over and over again after it is "out there."

It is also one of the things that haunts me about my conversations in life as well.  It might be easier and fit better if I was quiet or shy because then I would be in my comfort zone of processing everything internally and only occasionally sharing the results of such processes.  But, somehow, I ended up being a talkative introvert.  An internal processor who likes to talk.  What a weird combo!  I think I try to connect with people by talking a lot.  Perhaps it is my actual lack of social prowess that then just comes awkwardly spilling out in an attempt to be "normal."  I don't know.  But, I find myself at the end of so many days, analyzing my conversations from the day and wondering why on earth I don't just keep my mouth closed more.  Tell me I'm not the only one who looks back on conversations and thinks, "Did I really repeat myself 6 times in the stretch of 3 minutes?!  Did I really tell that story to them?!  Why on earth did I talk so much and say so little of consequence?!  That was a ridiculously bad attempt at a joke!"  And on and on it circles through my mind.  Processing.  Analyzing.  So uncomfortable at my attempts to skip my internal processing mode and just roll with conversations in real time.

I keep praying that I will learn to talk less to save a bit on my analysis efforts at the end of the day and actually feel comfortable in my introverted skin.

And, now, I shall hit publish and add this to my long list of things to mull over for hours tonight instead of falling asleep.  

Advent in Our Home

I LOVE Christmas!  Where I grew up, all of life was very seasonal.  The climate had distinct seasons,and it was a farming community that revolved around distinct seasonal events (planting, harvesting, etc.).  I adore fall and have a nostalgic warm fuzzy every year since I left the American Midwest, attempting to channel the fall season elsewhere.
But, perhaps even more than I love autumn, I love Christmas.  Not just the day but the whole season.  My family of origin always decorated the day after Thanksgiving, and we had lots of wonderful traditions...
Going into downtown Chicago to look at the windows at Marshall Field's on State Street
Choosing an ornament each year to add to our tree
Roasting hot dogs in the fireplace and eating oyster soup (I know it sounds weird) at my Grandpa and Grandma's house
At least one person at the extended family gathering every year getting sent on a scavenger hunt to search for his/her present
"Sticking" Psalms, where my great-grandfather would hold the book of Psalms between his hands, and each family member from youngest to oldest would stick in a table knife and read a portion of the Psalm s/he pointed to
Nativity scenes
Driving around to look at people's light displays
Singing carols around the piano
And, so many more!  And, I realize how having all of those traditions and memories is something in itself for which to be thankful!

I don't carry on all of those traditions, but I have carried on some, and we have made some new ones of our own, like new Christmas jammies each year, making something out of gingerbread (last year's attempt was a train), and a night of Christmas "camping" once our decorations are up.

I love doing all sorts of fun and festive things, but I definitely want to focus in on the true meaning of the season, so our Advent celebrations are important to us.  One of my favorite Advent traditions that we have in our home is our Jesse Tree.  My husband and I both have a passion for the Big Story of the Bible and how it all unfolds, so this opportunity to put the Christmas story in its amazing context just fit perfectly for us.  I have tweaked the traditional order a bit to include a few stories that I think are key in the broader narrative and have left out a few that I don't think are as key in it.  I've also added days after Christmas to extend it beyond the manger and, again, connect to that fuller picture.
For those that aren't familiar with a Jesse Tree, the name comes from Isaiah 11:1, where it says, "A shoot will spring up from the stump of Jesse; from his root a branch will bear fruit."  So, you start with a stump or bare branch of some kind (some use a symbol and some use actual branches), and then you place a symbol each day on that "tree" to represent the parts of the Story.

If you'd interested in how we do ours, here is the document that I've created for our family.  

I made a chart that lists the calendar date (so this one is obviously updated for 2014 specifically), the story, the symbol we put on the tree to represent the story, and the verse(s) we read.  I sometimes read the story from a children's Bible or tell the story and then just read the verses listed from the actual Bible, as my kids are quite young, but I did want to have a highlight verse or two for each story.

For our tree, I chose to make a big flannel piece to hang on the wall, and then all of our symbols are made of felt, and we put one up on the flannel each day.  As you can see from our photo, the boys don't really follow a specific order in hanging them up.  This is how ours looked last year as we finished, though it seems a few are missing.

We also do light an Advent wreath on each Sunday of advent, and I've included those readings that we do right into the chart, highlighted in blue.

I hope that however you celebrate Advent and Christmas with your family is a joy- and awe-filled experience!

Food Master List

Recently a friend posted about her approach to meal planning, which revolves around a master list.  I had intended to post about making such a list awhile back, as it is what helped me get out of a slump with cooking.  I had been somewhat resistant to making a master list at times.  I get bored cooking the same things very often, and while it certainly made sense logistically when I heard friends talk about rotating through the same list each month, it made me feel uninspired.  I actually really like meal planning, but I occasionally hit a slump with it, and usually it is when I have been trying to work a bit too hard at it.  I am not in a phase of life to be trying a new recipe every day!  When I actually wrote out a master list for myself, I found that I had well over 40 recipes (which would cover more than a month of dinners, even using just the list) that are well-liked, feasible recipes that I make well.
A few notes on a "master list" living overseas here.  It has taken me some time to even develop this sort of core of dishes that work for us.  There are also things that are much simpler to make here, but given that my family gets a bit weary of the staples (lentils and rice) here and eat them often for lunch (most days for my husband and a few times a week for the kids and me), I try to avoid using them very often for dinner time.  I also have to change, at least in part, my list based on the season.  Now, this applies largely to produce, but there also are "seasons" where certain food items that are available here just disappear for stretches of time.  It isn't predictable in timing or duration, so you just have to roll with letting go of those recipes that use those things for awhile.  For produce, it really is more than just the value of buying local or trying to cook seasonally; it is just the reality of what is available.  More foods are starting to be imported, but they are often really expensive, not as fresh, and not reliably available, so it really is most feasible to cook with produce that is locally in season.  There are some seasons when that is a bit of a challenge!
The weather is also a factor, as few homes have air conditioning for the hot weather or heating for the cold weather, so we tend to eat a lot of hearty, hot meals and use the oven a lot during cold weather and try to avoid heating things up much in the summer (still figuring out some of what to do in the summer times!).
What I've found works for me is to keep a master list and use that to pull from and then maybe try about one new recipe per week.  On busier weeks, I may not try a new recipe at all, and on weeks when I'm feeling a bit more energetic, I might try a couple.  I also try new recipes for baked treats when I'm feeling inspired, which is an enjoyable outlet for me.  This keeps me feeling like I have freedom and room for new things while still keeping planning time reasonable.

Since we are nearing the end of the hot weather, I'll focus on my fall (and some of winter) master list and then note a few others that I have for other seasons.  Without further ado, this is my fall master list (in no particular order)!
1.  Chili and cornbread (usually make a big batch and then use some for chili mac or as a topping for loaded baked potatoes)
2.  Lasagna
3.  Loaded baked potatoes (sometimes this turns into toppings on pieces of potatoes if there aren't big ones available!)
4.  Broccoli rice casserole with chicken added
5.  Beef stew (I tweak this one just a bit, but this is the base recipe.)
6.  Pasta carbonara
7.  Chicken with dumplings
8.  Peanut sauce stir fry 
9.  Korean honey soy noodles (Soba noodles seem to be easier to find where I am, and they also work fine.  Oh, and I often have to sub veggies, as the ones listed are not usually available, but carrots, cabbage, peppers, and others work well.)
10.  Pumpkin gnocchi with creamy sage sauce
11.  Calzones or homemade pizza  (I use Jamie Oliver's pizza dough recipe.)
12.  Toad in a hole
13.  Baked macaroni and cheese (The Fanny Farmer recipe is my favorite!  This one is also good and a bit more economical here.)
14.  Pumpkin soup (I vary the kind I make--sometimes just a creamy one, sometimes with sausage, apples, and onions--and then often thicken the leftovers or add some cream to use as a pasta sauce.)
15.  Spanish beans and rice
16.  Pasta with meatballs and red sauce
17.  Chicken pot pie (I alter the filling some, mostly the veggies included, but it gives a good base, and it is the crust I always use.)
18.  SOPP (sausage, onions, potatoes, peppers--or subbing veggies that are available)
19.  Shepherd's pie
20.  Potato soup
21.  Cheeseburger soup
22.  Lentil soup
23.  Moroccan chickpea stew (similar to this one but tweaked a bit and with chicken added sometimes)
24.  Chicken noodle soup (I just skip the marjoram if I don't have it, and I use regular pasta noodles if I can't find egg noodles.)

25.  Pulled pork   (I adapted this to make it in the pressure cooker.  I double the spices and liquids if I want to use the sauce, but it cooks well without doubling. Without doubling, I use 1 t American chili powder and 1 t paprika. Use 2 T brown sugar and then some molasses. Cook in pressure cooker on low heat for one hour after coming to pressure.)

(Note:  Store-bought buns are not an easy reality here, so dinners like this or burgers or sloppy joes also involve making buns, and this is my go-to recipe.)
26.  Dirty rice
27.  Thai cashew chicken or another Thai chicken recipe we love with coconut milk and a couple of veggies over rice noodles
28.  Gyros or kofta (turkey isn't available here, so I sub ground chicken or beef) with pita bread
29.  Meatloaf and mashed potatoes
30.  One-pot spaghetti
31.  Burritos
32.  Ham and potato gratin
33.  Chicken with roasted potatoes and veggies
34.  Moussaka (similar to this recipe but roast eggplant instead of fry and sprinkle some shredded cheese on top)
35.  Pasta with chicken cream sauce
36.  Creamy chicken and rice soup
37.  Grilled cheese and tomato soup
38.  Swedish meatballs  (Beef broth isn't available here, but I just sub water and a chicken cube.)
39.  Hamburger gravy with rice or mashed potatoes
40.  Goulash
41.  Sloppy joes (something similar to this one)
42.  Chicken enchiladas

With lots of soups in the list for fall/winter, I'll need to keep some bread options in the works, as it seems to complete the meal a bit more for my family.  My friend Lizzy has a recipe for DIY Bisquick mix and then directions for drop biscuits or rolled biscuits.  She also has a good recipe for whole wheat dinner rolls I've been meaning to make but have had when she's made and can vouch for their yumminess!

As I mentioned, I am still working out a master list for summer, as late summer is actually the low season for produce where we live, and it is hot!  So, many of the recipes above don't fit, but I did find a few that were great additions to a summer list.
Summer additions:
Cheeseburgers
French dip sandwiches
Black bean and corn salad
Corn chowder
Pesto pasta (when basil is available and sub almonds)
Super nachos (seasoned ground meat, cheese sauce, salsa, avocado)

Anyone up for sharing your list?

Let's Talk Water

As usual, I'm late to the party, as the hubbub now seems to be dying down a bit, but the ALS ice bucket challenge certainly did get people talking about a lot of stuff.  If you could call it talking.  It seems to be par for the course on social media these days that people criticize things without mercy and others dig their heels in to defend it.  Usually it involves some level of name calling and insulting each other's humanity from both sides.  Ah, but I digress...

One of the many issues raised with the challenge was the wasting of water.  Now, water is a serious issue in the world.  According to Water for the World, 1.8 billion people still lack access to fresh water supply.  They have some other really powerful statistics over on their website.  Water is essential for life, and the lack of clean supply is a truly significant issue.

But, let's talk about water for just a moment for those who were railing on the ALS challenge for this particular reason (I am not in any way intending to address the overall value of the challenge or its other criticisms).

Living in a country where the water issues are part of the daily reality, I'd like to just mention a few of the things of what that looks like for us.
*  We have a water filter in our kitchen.  It only filters (there is a reserve tank for the filtered water) when the electricity is on, which is currently about 17 hours per day but can get down as low as 8 hours per day, mostly at night.  Drinking water from the tap is directly asking to spend several days tied to the bathroom, at the very least.  We have to be very vigilant at making sure dishes and cups are dry before using them, and it can be a real challenge getting little ones not to get the water in their mouths at bath time.
*  We have a ground tank and a tank on our roof.  The roof tank is the one that feeds into the plumbing in the house.  Again, we can only pump up to the roof from the ground tank when the power is on.  Once the ground tank is empty, that's it.  We get a trickle of water daily from the city for an hour, but it doesn't amount to all that much.  When the water is gone, we have to call a water truck to come and fill the tank again, and with delays, we have had several occasions where we don't have water to use for a day or so.
*  We collect our shower water and scoop up the boys' bath water in buckets to reuse it for flushing the toilets.  Most of our friends also collect the water from their washing machines, but ours is positioned rather awkwardly to do that.

Now, every time I start to feel a slight bit cool about how careful we are with water and the extra effort we have to make with it, I am reminded how massively privileged we (my family) are here!  This is far better than the reality for the majority here (and in tons of other places) who don't have any water in the house at all, let alone clean or filtered water!!!

That all seems like I'm pointing back to why people should be upset about the ice bucket challenge, and yet, I'd like to sort of call out those who are fuming about the water issue with the challenge.
I've seen way more water used for far less noble causes.  I see photos of people's kids running through sprinklers and playing with water tables (which I am not suggesting are bad but certainly non-essential).  Quite a large percentage of parents in America use a bath as part of a daily routine for their pre-puberty kiddos.  (If you're one of those, please don't smell my kids too closely!)  I would say most Americans shower every day, or at least every other day.  (And, a moment of confession, this has been one of mine that I've had a terribly hard time giving up!  In the winter I try to stretch to every other day, but this is my personal weakness!)  I almost guarantee your daily shower wastes more than one bucket of water!  Know how I know?  Remember the aforementioned shower-collecting buckets?  With shutting the water off every time I am shampooing or lathering or whatever doesn't directly require water, my shower still uses about 3/4 of an average-sized bucket.

I'm certainly not as hardcore about the water stuff as I wish I was, and many of the critics may do a ton to really help the water crises around the world!

If you are one of the super vocal critics of the water use of the ice bucket challenge and you are doing the following things:
*  Reusing any gray water (from showers, laundry, etc.)
*  Turning off the water in between shower steps
*  Rationing your water for recreational use (this includes your lawn!)
*  Wearing clothes multiple times before washing
And, in the bigger picture (as residential water use is actually only a small percentage of the problem):
*  Avoiding major companies with egregious water waste, pollution, and/or exploitation
(Don't even get me started on Nestle!  They make everything, and they are a company known for exploitative issues in this and other arenas!)
*  Donating significantly to organizations doing REAL work (not just griping at people) to help with water solutions for those who need it most

...If you're doing all of those things and more, then by all means, call people out for dumping one bucket of water, but maybe include a bit of positive direction on how people can be part of the solution.  Or, if you are that conscientious, and that is your only issue with the challenge, donate the money and skip the ice water, like my cousin's husband who had his son dump a bucket of cash on his dad's head for their video...or, even donate the full amount associated with skipping the challenge to a cause you are passionate about, like those doing the real work for clean water.   Heck, do it even if you weren't "nominated."  Just don't sit back and feel like you've done something noble for the truly significant water issues in our world by criticizing people for dumping one bucket of water to raise money and awareness for a charity.

Bus Delight

My son, like many little boys, absolutely LOVES vehicles.  He spends a lot of time talking about vehicles, reading about vehicles, playing with vehicles, and pretending to drive vehicles.  The difference from other little guys his age in America is that his real-life vehicles, and therefore, the things he talks about and pretends with them, are quite different living overseas.

Without a vehicle of our own, if we need to go somewhere that is farther than walking distance, we end up taking a taxi or a bus.  He really wants to take the local tuk tuks more, but they don't go up the hill to our area, so it is a rare "treat."  One day when we were going across town, just to humor him, we took a bus and then a tuk tuk and finally ended up in a taxi for the last stretch.

It is fun to watch him, as a third culture kid, as his "normal" unfolds in front of us.  He was too small to really remember life before Nepal, so this is how life is for him.  He hit a stretch a few weeks ago where I would hear him in the other room, chattering, "Kaha chha?  Yaha chha?  Bhaisepati kaha chha?  Yaha chha..."  (Basically, where is it?  Is it here?  Where is Bhaisepati--our area?  It's here...and so on.)

And, he has a special love for the bus here.  We often opt for a taxi, if I have both boys with me, as the bus stresses my older one out when it is crowded, which it usually is.  So when the little and I go out together, he thinks always requests to go by bus.

Now, when little kids in the States play bus, they might line up a bunch of chairs or pillows or something to sit on.  They all sit, and maybe one sits at the front and pretends to drive, yeah?  Well, this is what playing bus looks like to my little guy:

And, when friends here saw him climbing the bars, and I said, he's playing bus, they all went. "Oohhh" because it totally makes sense here.  The effect you don't get in the picture is him calling out the names of places and banging on the "side of the bus" (window)--once to stop and two bangs to go.

I just love his enthusiasm about it all!  Today, as we were riding on the bus and approached a fork in the road, where the buses usually go to the right but at which he asks every single time which way they are going to go, the bus went right (as expected), and he looked at me and said, "This is my FAVORITE way!!!"  And, a couple minutes later, he pointed out another bus crossing our path.  It was rather old and dirty, as most of the public buses here are, and it was simply painted blue and white with a few random words and designs on the windows.  Ezekiel asked if I liked that bus, and when I responded that it was a nice bus, he said, "It is a BEAUTIFUL bus!"  

Proud of Me

It has been over 19 years since my Grandma passed away, and it was the year before that in which both of my great-grandparents passed away.  That is a long time.  I'm realizing that I have now lived longer without them than I did with them, and yet they were such a big part of life and forming who I am.  I feel like I am a rarely blessed person who grew up really sharing life with grandparents and even great-grandparents.  I am from a Midwestern farm family, so we had canning days and corn days and baking days and big meals together for holidays of all kinds and birthdays and lambing seasons and harvests and planting and farm equipment sales and just lots of life together.

I often think of my Grandma still, and those times sometimes feel a bit random, but I always think of her a lot on and around my kids' birthdays.  While I do really wish that they would have had the chance to know her and celebrate even with her, there is sort of a funny trigger beyond that for me.  Grandma always made us cakes for our birthdays.  Now, she was a good cook and good at baking, as is expected of you as a good Midwestern/Mennonite farm wife, but she also liked to decorate cakes, and she was good at it.  So, every year, she would make us a special cake of something we liked, such as a Sesame Street character or something like that.  It was really special to me, and it is one of the things I decided I wanted to carry on for my boys.  Ironically, I married someone and have two kids who do not actually enjoy cake.  I have usually still made a cake, but for this most recent birthday of my son's, I finally let go of my own need to make a cake and decorated some cookies for him instead (instead of BOTH for many recent birthdays!).  I have often put a lot of time into making their special birthday treats, and I have often thought and gotten comments from other family members that Grandma would be proud of me.

It's an interesting phrase to begin with, as "proud" is just not a word that would have been used by a good Mennonite in any context.  But, my Grandma used it.  She didn't grow up Mennonite, and there were certain things she held onto, and I guess that may have been one of them, as she certainly let us know often how proud she was of us grandkids.

Well, this year for my son's birthday, it was different.  I love to do special things for my boys.  I love making a big deal of birthdays.  It isn't just some external pressure I feel; I really do enjoy it.  But, like with many things, I have not exactly walked in the realm of realism and ended up totally exhausting myself trying to carry out my ideas.  I have gotten better at setting some limits on the crazy, but the culture I grew up in isn't one to set limits on efforts.  For good and for bad, it is a culture of crazy hard work ethic and often perfectionism, and what starts out as a joy can often feel like a burden.

As I approached my son's birthday this year, I decided I was really going to take a big step in simplifying.  My mom and dad are so sweet to send fun birthday party goods for each of the boy's birthdays, and the boys LOVE it!  Leaning heavily on those, I decided I was going to make some special cookies, order some food, and basically leave it at that and just try to enjoy the day with all of its mess and imperfections!  

Now, I know these may not look like a victory in any sense of the word.  They are neither a feat of decorating glory nor are they the total freedom of just having something made by the local bakery.  But, for me, this was a huge victory!  I was in bed by 10:00 the night before the party.  That doesn't happen!  I had a full night of rest and enjoyed the actual party time.  

As I sat decorating the cookies that night, with no rushing around and knowing I would be finished at a reasonable hour, I thought about my Grandma.

Grandma worked hard--crazy hard--preparing for any sort of family gathering.  But, there is one thing that I remember about her that isn't entirely typical of our culture, and that is her chair.  It often took some prodding from family members, but at every gathering I can remember, my Grandma would come and sit in her special chair in the living room and enjoy us.  Enjoy just being with us.  And, while I'm sure she wrestled with some guilt over not having all the dishes finished or thinking of the things that still needed to get done, but when she was with us, she was present; she genuinely enjoyed just *being* with us!

So, while this was definitely my least impressive showing yet on the birthday treat and party front, I can't help believing that this might be the proudest my Grandma would have ever been of me.