Sunday, November 16, 2014

Inside Out

I am an introvert.  I am an internal processor.  I'm convinced that is one of the things that keeps from doing well at actually blogging because I either mull things over in my head at length and feel that it is just so much extra work then to write them down, or I try to discipline myself to just write and not self-edit or analyze as I go, but then I am plagued by analyzing it over and over again after it is "out there."

It is also one of the things that haunts me about my conversations in life as well.  It might be easier and fit better if I was quiet or shy because then I would be in my comfort zone of processing everything internally and only occasionally sharing the results of such processes.  But, somehow, I ended up being a talkative introvert.  An internal processor who likes to talk.  What a weird combo!  I think I try to connect with people by talking a lot.  Perhaps it is my actual lack of social prowess that then just comes awkwardly spilling out in an attempt to be "normal."  I don't know.  But, I find myself at the end of so many days, analyzing my conversations from the day and wondering why on earth I don't just keep my mouth closed more.  Tell me I'm not the only one who looks back on conversations and thinks, "Did I really repeat myself 6 times in the stretch of 3 minutes?!  Did I really tell that story to them?!  Why on earth did I talk so much and say so little of consequence?!  That was a ridiculously bad attempt at a joke!"  And on and on it circles through my mind.  Processing.  Analyzing.  So uncomfortable at my attempts to skip my internal processing mode and just roll with conversations in real time.

I keep praying that I will learn to talk less to save a bit on my analysis efforts at the end of the day and actually feel comfortable in my introverted skin.

And, now, I shall hit publish and add this to my long list of things to mull over for hours tonight instead of falling asleep.  

1 comment:

yum7 said...

I love your talkative thoughtful personality. =) don't change!!