Stuck in My Own Head

Being an internal processor presents some challenges for blogging.  I love writing, and I find myself thinking through floods of posts and constructing them in my mind.  One challenge, though, is that once I don't think while I write; I think and then I write, which makes it feel like an extra step that I often don't take the time and energy to do.  Along with that comes my tendency to over-edit.  If I can't quite think of the exact way I want to express something, I'll avoid ever writing the post.  And, if I do write the post, I tend to read and analyze and edit a bunch, making it an even longer process.
So...you can see why I experience some gaps at times in keeping up with blogging, even though I do enjoy it.
Sometimes I go through stretches of overcoming these challenges better than others.  I convince myself to let go of some of the editing, just write, and hit publish before I can over-analyze it.  Sometimes, I get a little stuck in my own head.
Well, here is to another effort to get out of my head and enjoy the writing!  Jumping back in...

Crazy Thankful

I have fallen WAY behind on blogging lately!  I have been intending to write a post about hard goodbyes and the frequency of those here, but I just felt struck with an abundance of reasons to be crazy grateful tonight, so I am going to jot down some of that instead.

*  It is the Christmas season!  (Decided to do a whole separate post on it, I love it so much!)
Most of all, I am really thankful for grace this Christmas.  I am a person who always has a million more things on my to-do list and expectations in my mind than are humanly possible.  Yet, somehow, I feel incredibly pressured to cram in everything to make things (especially at a beloved season) PERFECT!  I am thankful for reminders again this Christmas that, not only is perfection not possible, Jesus came down to earth to save me from my striving and performing and failed attempts to make things perfect, and I am loved and covered in His amazing grace!
Through beautiful reminders in The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp (a sweet gift from my mama) and bloggers I love like Carissa over at 1+1+1=1 in her post "Choose Attitude over Activities," I have been reminded that the experience of this season for my family (and others around me) is more about WHO I am and how I encounter Jesus in this time than whether or not I pull off all the crazy crafts and projects and whatever else!

*  Muna Tamang is in my home again!
Having house help was a huge adjustment for me when we moved overseas!  It is quite common here, and if people have any means to do so, it would actually seem a little odd culturally not to have someone working in the home to help.  All of the basics of cooking and cleaning and keeping our home take more time here, so I have gotten to the point that I (mostly) stop apologizing mentally whenever I communicate about our house help to other Americans.  Our friends had a woman working for them when we came and lived with them for several months a few years ago (before moving here), and I just loved her.  Through a long set of circumstances (some less than pleasant), she is now working for us in our home, and I cannot even begin to describe what an incredible blessing it is!  She is absolutely wonderful!  I fancy myself a person who can get a fair amount done in a day, but she blows me away!  And, more importantly, she is just so sweet and an absolute joy to be in our home!  My kids adore her, and I just can't help but think of a million reasons that I am thankful to have her working in our home again!

*  I have things that keep me warm.
It is cold here.  I have friends and family who live in places that are actually much colder, but they all have central heating!  The houses here are made of cement and marble and stay quite cold, even when the outside temperature warms up to be quite pleasant during the day.  Combined with windows that don't quite fit right, let's just say that I usually have to put things IN my fridge to defrost at night because left out on the counter, they stay frozen!  However, we have a big gas space heater and lots of warm blankets and fleece sheets sent by loving family members and jackets and sweaters and just so many things to help us stay warm, and it is definitely not to be taken for granted here, as that is not the norm of what people have available here!  So crazy blessed!

*  My garbage is getting collected regularly!  Not a given but seems a new pattern of late and really thankful for it!

*  My parents visited us!  Here!  In Nepal!!!
Part of the reason for being behind in blogging is that I was completely wrapped up in the joy of my parents' first visit here in Nepal!  They flew all the way around the world to be with us, and it was such a great joy and blessing to have them here!  We are always glad to spend time with them, but it meant so much to have them here, seeing our home and life here and sharing time with us for a few weeks.  We got to do some really fun things, including a trip to Chitwan, which was beautiful, but it was also great to have them just do some of our "ordinary" things with us.  So thankful they were able and willing to come and for the memories of time shared here with them!  And, we are still enjoying tons of treats they brought for us--new clothes, cheese, candy, toys, books, and goodies!  Not only nice to enjoy the treats, but is a good reminder of them and their time here every time we use one of the treats!

*  I am surrounded by really incredible people!
I am constantly struck by all the really amazing people that we work with and have in our lives here.
I have a wonderful husband and two really cool sons.
Even friends and family who are far from us continue to bless and surround us with encouragement and prayers.
Really, really blessed!

*  Gingerbread and a hot cup of tea
It may not rank up there in significance with many of the things on this list, and I wouldn't have even considered myself a huge fan of gingerbread, but it was yesterday as I sat, truly delighting in a homemade gingerbread cookie and sipping my tea that I was just struck by how crazy thankful I am for even all these little things that fill my life and how many huge things I am thankful for as well!

The Chocolate "Dilemma"

I have known for awhile that there are issues with the chocolate industry.  I've seen things go by in friends' posts or heard little snippets, but I never checked into that much.  Perhaps it seemed like one more thing to worry about.  Perhaps I just got busy and distracted.  Probably, at some level, I didn't really want to know more or think too deeply about it.

I like chocolate.  I mean, I don't know a lot of people who don't like chocolate.  It's so good.  Especially, a good dark chocolate or some yummy baked treat with chocolate in it!  So.  Good!

Living away from my "home" culture has sort of intensified my chocolate cravings as well.  When other things are unfamiliar, it is a comfort food and a treat that is available when not all of the usual comforts (or comfort foods) are.  And, seriously, there is something about dal bhat (the lentil and rice everyday meal), as much as I do like it, that just feels like it needs to be chased with a little chocolate.
So, the thought of giving up chocolate feels like a big deal.  As I've processed some of these things recently, it actually seems sort of ridiculous to admit how big of a deal it seemed.

But, a few weeks ago, my friend posted a link about the labor issues involved with chocolate.  It wasn't the first, but I took the time to read it and really absorb it.  The article was highlighting the issue for the sake of considering what you are buying for Halloween candy.  We don't do Halloween, but I decided to read the whole article anyway because it was really just drawing attention to the bigger issues involved.

I won't attempt to restate what she and others have already done.  I am just beginning to dig into this more myself.  Her post at SimpleMom.net and the documentary she links to in the post, The Dark Side of Chocolate, are good sources for some information on the issue.  The key thing is that child labor, child slavery, and child trafficking are BIG issues in the cocoa industry in Africa where a big percentage of all cocoa for the world's chocolate is produced.

This issue has stayed with me, mulling over and over in my mind and heart.  It's about more than the chocolate.

My first thoughts honestly turned to what my options would be for chocolate if I make the choice to not purchase from companies taking part in child slavery and unethical, unjust labor practices.  For us here overseas, it isn't just a matter of spending a bit more money to buy from companies that are committed to ethical sourcing in the cocoa purchasing and production.  So, largely, it would mean giving up these items.  There are some possibilities that some shop owners might be willing to order items for us if they know we and other foreigners would buy them, but chocolate is already the same price or more as it is in the States when we are making notably lower salaries...and are still making more than the vast majority of the population here.  Chocolate is already a splurge, an indulgence here for most people.  I'm not sure if it would be realistic for friends here to purchase items that will be quite expensive if we could actually get them imported.
Now, a quick aside is that I am still crazy lucky and certainly far from deprived, as it only takes a mention of something we are missing or would love to have before my parents or a friend graciously tuck some in a package to send to us!

The really humbling thing is that I realized, as I was initially struck by the justice issues at the heart of this, my thoughts so quickly became wrapped up in how this would affect me and where I would get my chocolate and my "dilemma" of making "sacrifices" when we are already often out of our comfort zone.  Is it really a dilemma to figure out which kind of chocolate we could acquire or whether we'd have to cut back or maybe even *gasp* do without indulgent treats when young boys are stolen from their families and kept as slaves so that I can have my cocoa?

This is about more than the chocolate.

Do I really think that by deciding not to purchase chocolate from these companies that it will affect REAL change?  Honestly, no.  I am one consumer in a market that probably barely makes a dent in what these companies are selling.  Even if I rallied as many friends as I could think of to avoid purchasing from these companies here, I seriously doubt that a small dip in the Nepal chocolate purchases would even register on the radar for chocolate executives.  Even if friends elsewhere band together in mass, would it make an impact?  Perhaps.  But, the issue isn't just the chocolate companies themselves.  Poverty is bigger than just money, though most perceive money will fix it.  So long as people are willing to sell fellow human beings, injustice will exist.  Could there ever possibly be an amount of money that would "fix" that problem?

I respect companies that are trying to do business differently, and I applaud and would love to support their efforts.  The truth is that it is hard to do business with integrity, to commit not to sacrifice justice for the sake of profits.  And, I want to support businesses that seek to make a real impact by walking the harder road, by sacrificing the easy or maybe more profitable path.  But, I still don't have any illusions that just choosing to buy from these companies will fix the problem.

I truly believe that nothing short of the kingdom of God breaking through to change and redeem hearts and lives will cause real change and freedom from injustices.  For the shackles of poverty to be broken, lives and cultures and hearts (not just the ones where the poverty exists, by the way) need to be truly changed and transformed.  Choices are made about what is most valuable or for what things we are willing to make sacrifices.  And, for me, that is what this choice is about.

It is about more than the chocolate.

Whether or not my choice to not buy this chocolate makes any direct impact on these companies or the cocoa industry, as I have mulled over this, it comes down to a heart issue for me and for my household.  Choosing not to buy a Snickers bar or a pack of Gems won't change the chocolate industry, but it shapes who I am, who we are as a family.  It's about how I make choices.  It's about what I am willing to prioritize, even if it costs me something.  Will I, will we as a family, make our choices based on what is convenient and comfortable and focus on what I want or desire?  Or will I choose to fix my heart on justice, on mercy, on humility (Micah 6:8)?  Am I willing to make hard choices, whether or not I can see their impact, just because they reflect the values that I believe are true and right?  Am I willing to try to raise my children to believe that another child's freedom is a bigger issue than skipping some sweets?

I'm sure there are many, many more issues that could and should shape my consumer choices.  For now, this is the one that has grabbed my heart and represents a step for me in the choices I make--a test case, if you will, that God has been using to reignite my passion for issues of justice.  I pray my eyes and heart will be open to see what should be truly shaping even my seemingly small or tedious everyday choices.

I'm embarrassed to admit how much of a dilemma the chocolate became in my mind, but really, as I've said, it is about more than the chocolate.  It's about what guides my life and choices and the state of my heart, and it's about how I try to help shape the attitudes and choices of my children.  And, I believe with all my heart, that THAT can make a change in my small corner of the world and be an agent for God's kingdom to break through the injustices of this world.

The Walnut Incident

There is an older man who is the groundskeeper at our office building location.  He lives on site and cares for the garden there and the grounds.  I am trying to get the boys involved in helping with the plants and taking care of our outdoor space, but the reality is that, even with their enthusiasm, sometimes the work takes a bit more time WITH them.  We needed a bit of help, and this older gentleman doesn't have a full schedule with his work at the office, so he has been coming once a week (though it is a little unclear what his schedule is, and he has seemed to appear at unexpected times as well).  

Between the times we go to the office, the times he is here helping us or another family in our colony, or the times that we just end up seeing him when we are out walking on the road, he is a person we see every day, usually multiple times.  Our interactions with him have been fairly limited, though.  He always tries to interact a bit with the boys.  They know who he is, but they haven't seemed to warm up to him terribly easily.  They aren't rude, and they will even point him out when they see him walking, but I think we all are a bit unsure of quite how to interact with him.  He doesn't speak any English, and he rather mumbles in a gravelly voice when he is speaking, so it is hard to understand him, even when he is saying something I probably should know in Nepali.

Last week when he was here working on the yard, and we had been outside doing something, he pulled a walnut out of Isaiah's nature "collection" box and held it up and said, "Babu..." (something that basically meant you can crack this open and eat it).  I told Isaiah what he was trying to say, and Isaiah got really excited and wanted to crack it open right away, mostly to see the inside, I think.  I went in to search for something, and I tried the opposite end of our can opener, but it was not nearly strong enough.  Isaiah took the nut back outside and was not about to yield the quest to crack the nut.  By the time I got back outside, this man was using one of Isaiah's bigger rocks from the box to smash open the walnut.  Isaiah was practically squealing.  He was so excited, and he was SO impressed that this man was using rocks to crack open the walnut.  And that it worked!  Because of using the rock, the nut inside obviously also got smashed, so the man scooped up little pieces and gave them to Isaiah.  He told Isaiah to eat them.  Isaiah looked at me, and I quickly settled my inner argument and tried to just smile and give a little nod to Isaiah that he could eat them.  

Why the inner argument?  Let me describe a few more of the details here.  The man had been working in our yard and around the outside of the house and had quite dirty hands.  The rock (and the walnut itself) had been outside there for quite awhile.  As I watched the dirty hands use the dirty rock to smash up the walnut on our dirty (think pigeon poo and various other ick) little patch of cement there and then scoop it up with the dirty hands and hand it to Isaiah, there was a part of me that could honestly only think of the very probable intestinal repercussions of consuming the walnut.  Even just the "dirt" here has so many pollutants, and even with being pretty intentional, we still often end up with some angry digestive systems.  

But, as I watched Isaiah, this wasn't really about the walnut.  He was impressed by this man.  He now had connected with him and thought he was incredibly cool.  They had bonded in some odd way without understanding a word each other had said.  Saying no would have squashed that and contradicted the value that Isaiah saw in him at that moment.

Isaiah ate only a few scraps of the walnut and wasn't interested in eating much more.  Then, he asked if he could share one of his Oreo cookies (a notable offer from my son) with the man.  I said he could, of course.   He wanted to then see if the man wanted something to drink, so I brought him a glass of water.  Then, Isaiah asked if he could sit out in his little chair and finish his snack outside and watch the man as he worked in our yard.

The next morning, Isaiah woke up vomiting.  Yup.  Thankfully, it was actually pretty mild and short-lived, but he felt pretty crummy for most of the day.  The thing is, even though it is terribly hard to watch my son being sick, I wouldn't change the decision for the world.  I only wish I let it be that simple more often to really see and connect with people.

P.S. If you talk to Isaiah, please don't tell him eating the walnut made him sick! :) 

Captured (Again) by The Story

I have been realizing some things about myself lately and some things that I greatly desire or need.  It has been a challenging phase of parenting for me, which has left me discouraged (and exhausted) many days, especially with starting a new school year.  I have known that my own strengths are not enough for this season, but really living grace and abiding in God's presence have been long-standing challenges for me.  As we were reading a passage from Acts 2 recently, I was struck by verse 43:  "Everyone was filled with awe..."  It goes on to talk about miracles and signs and wonders, but what struck me was that the order was seeming to suggest that it wasn't because of the miracles that they were in awe.  Those things came.  But, they were in awe because of the apostles' teaching and the experience of community they were living and the presence of the Lord among them.  

I have been realizing that, in this season, I have really been lacking (and longing for) a sense of awe, a wonder, a consuming passion for God and His kingdom.  In reflecting on some of the challenges in parenting, I truly believe that the most significant thing I can do as a parent for my boys is to be radically and contagiously in love with God!  There are no methods or logic or decisions that can make me a perfect parent, and I cannot ultimately control my boys' hearts and minds and decisions.  I want for them to love God and live for Him, but the most powerful thing I can do is let them see that be what consumes me!

In case I haven't mentioned this before, I'm a type-A person who really struggles with just "being."  I like to-do lists and productivity and having defined tasks I have accomplished.  I have always tended toward doing the "right" things or trying to find the "perfect" method or decision for something, even if it is getting closer to God.  Yet, I have felt this challenge lately to just "be" with Him, to let Him capture my heart again with His love and His grace and His presence.  

I have still often not made the space that I should for this, but the times that I have, it has still been a challenge for me.  I am often too distracted or having a hard time really setting aside my mental to-do list.  

Tonight, through seeing a few posts from a mentor of ours and hitting some frustrations with the Sunday School lesson I was preparing, I started digging into one of the books we have from this mentor Bill Jackson. This particular text is his "NothinsGonnaStopIt:  The Storyline of the Bible," which is largely his materials he had put together for his presentations he has done for many years on the Story.  On the cover, it says, "One God, one Story, one plan."  As I read words and phrases, I could feel a stirring in my soul that I have had every time I have engaged this amazing Story.  Really encountering and digging into this bigger Story of God has, for many years, been a passion for my husband and me that I realized tonight I haven't really directly engaged in quite awhile.  It is what prompted us to name our first son Isaiah Jackson--Isaiah meaning "God is salvation," and Jackson after our mentor and signifying this one Story throughout history of God's salvation!  

"What it means to be human, then, is to reflect the image and glory of God to the world."  That's a quote from Jax, as many call him, and as I read that and other lines, that passion was being reignited.  That's my purpose--to reflect the image and glory of God to the world, to my boys, to my family and friends, and those I meet.  Even just reading little tidbits tonight for a few minutes has been renewing my mind and my heart, and I realized this is exactly what I need in this season.  I have had many amazing and powerful times just sitting in God's presence, but reading and soaking in His Story connects so deeply for me, and it just jumped out to me as the fresh breath of life that my soul needs in this season.  So, I've decided to focus on reading this whole text of NGSI and just bought "The Eden Project:  A Short Story" (by Bill Jackson) to read as well.  And, I am feeling that filling of awe that I know that I need and desire!  

Nervous?

Today our countdown to our trip to the States is down to 15 days!  We are going for a month and will visit friends and family and enjoy some places and foods we have missed.  So, obviously, we are excited!  But, I've also been finding myself feeling a bit nervous, which seems strange, and I couldn't really explain.

Things will be different than what has become normal for us here, but it's been less than a year since we left, so it's not like I've forgotten how to act in America.  (Well, I guess you can confirm the truth of that with friends and family after we've been there!)

Definitely I'm nervous about the LONG travel with two active little guys who resist sleep, the youngest of which slept about 3 hours during the 34-hour journey moving here!  Trying to block that part out of my mind.  But, it wasn't really what was going on inside me with this feeling.

We have been concerned about how the trip will affect Isaiah.  He has had a harder adjustment to living here this year and asks often to live where there is a McDonald's, and we have been praying that he won't have major setbacks when we return in the fall.  So, that makes me nervous, but there was still more.

Today, I pulled out a scrapbook that a dear friend had put together for us before we left.  She had gathered notes and photos from some other dear friends.  I have to confess to this being the first time I've actually sat down with it and read all the notes.  That seems so bizarre to even admit because it is sweet and wonderful, but I had set it aside when we first moved here so that I wouldn't get homesick right away.  Then, I came across it in the middle of a hard stretch this winter and teared up just looking at it, so I decided it didn't seem wise to dive into it in its fullness and kind of hid it from myself for later.  Today, as I was trying to finally organize some boxes of things here, I sat down and read it, and I realized this nervousness that I had been sensing that I couldn't explain.  

I feel nervous about how much I will miss everyone all over again when we come back.

Nepal feels like home to me now.  I have been realizing recently how attached I have become to the idea of living here for a long time.  We have amazing friends, an incredible opportunity to be part of a great business and vision, and I am happy here.

But, the distance from family and dear friends who have known me and been a part of my life in deep ways, some for a long time, is hard.  I think I have sort of kept myself from thinking too often or too deeply about how much I miss them.  While that is probably partially healthy in order to really be "all here" mentally and emotionally this year as we got settled, I think I have been in a bit of denial of the emotions of it.  Facebook helps me stay delusional in feeling connected to still to my friends and family and what is going on in their lives.  And, I kept thinking, of course I feel excited to SEE people, but I kept wondering why I was MORE excited and what that nervousness was, and today split it wide open:  Actually seeing those people will be wonderful but also remind me how much I miss them.  To connect to the full joy and special gift of this time ahead, I have to be willing to open up to the pain of leaving again and face how much I have truly missed them.  

So, there it is.  Nervous.  Praying to let it all open up and be all the messy fullness of smiles and laughter and hugs and tears.

Purging

I had planned to write on something else tonight, but life here with two little guys takes some unexpected turns.  Too often, they involve vomit.  Today was one of those days.  Everything was going along just fine for most of us.  (John was feeling sick and came home early from work.)  In the middle of a story, Isaiah felt like throwing up, so we ran to the bathroom.  False alarm.
A bit later, as I was finishing washing my hands, I heard Isaiah yell from upstairs.  I called to him to ask if he was ok and started over to the stairs.  He came around to the first landing and was saying he threw up upstairs.  Just as I tried to hurry him to come down and get to the bathroom, it came out, the projectile vomit.  I will spare you the details, but it was gross.  Lots of clean-up.
We decided to put him to bed in our bed since his bed didn't have a mattress cover.  It got wet last night, and since it is monsoon season, nothing (especially not a waterproof mattress cover) dries in just one day unless you hit a lucky patch of sun during the day.  We did not.
So, about an hour ago, I came up to our room to check on him and found him sound asleep...in his own vomit!  He is a really sound sleeper, which is amazing most of the time, but this is one of the few times I really wish he was not QUITE such a sound sleeper!  I woke him up, and he really didn't even know he had thrown up.  So, now our bedding is in the wash or will be in morning, hoping to catch one of those lucky sunny patches to dry them tomorrow...but not too early, or it will wake up my boys early.
All this adds up to a pretty gross afternoon and evening, and I'm hoping (but likely not) it is done for the night.  I hate cleaning up vomit.  I mean, who likes it?  It is so sad to see my kiddos sick, but it just adds a super gross element when it has to be vomit.
It sucks to have my son feel sick, and it sucks to clean up vomit, but the thing is, I'm OK.  I know that might sound like it should be obvious, but as I've written before, I've had a lot of issues related to sickness, particularly with my kids being sick.  Fear that has made it so often MUCH larger than life.  The causes for vomiting here are often notably more unsettling than a stomach "flu" bug, and that was one of many things that would make me terribly afraid the last time we were here and had Isaiah being sick so often.  But, one thing is that we've now seen and known a lot of people who've had all those nasty things (dysentery, giardia, salmonella, food poisoning and parasites of many forms, and all other manors of things that wreak havoc on the digestive system), and it becomes sort of a bizarrely "normal" part of life to just deal with, roll through, and move forward.  Seeing others' experiences, accumulating much of our own, and now knowing the systems of how to deal with things medically when they come up (doctors, medicines, stool sample testing, etc.) have all helped quite a bit.
But, there is something much more than those things, and that is that God has just set me free from so much of the fear and anxiety that sickness for my kids used to bring for me.  Friends and family have prayed, and I just believe that the Holy Spirit has worked some miracles in my soul because all the logic and knowledge and experience in the world would not have calmed the panic in me in the past, and as much as I feel drained tonight and a bit of dread that it's not yet over, I can honestly say that I will go to bed and sleep because I am OK.  And, today, in the midst of these things, OK is a major victory!