I'm not entirely sure what brought this up in my mind recently, but I was thinking about some of the rules and boundaries I had growing up. As a young kid, it seemed like we had a lot of things that were off-limits, but as I was thinking about pre-teen and teen years, there weren't actually a whole lot of things that were clearly defined limits. Now, a lot of that is likely related to the fact that I was a pretty hyper-self-monitoring, goody-two-shoes kind of a kid. I can distinctly remember coming to my parents various times, proposing stricter rules/expectations for myself than they had laid out, much to the horror of my younger brother who usually then inherited those!
There were several things I can remember that had been set that were going to be rules that never really came into play. I was not going to be allowed to get my ears pierced until 16, I think. I never asked to get them pierced. (Now, that one, to be fair, was an issue of vanity because I hated my ears and not some act of piety in any way!) I was not supposed to be allowed to wear makeup until I was 13 (or 16, can't remember). Pretty sure when my dad saw my attempts before that limit, he figured I was safer going out looking like that and figured it would likely be boy repellent! I never had a curfew, and I can very distinctly coming home "too late" one time. I knew it as I was heading home. There wasn't a defined time, but it just seemed like I was out later than I "should have" been. I think the fact that I was super stressed over breaking a non-existent boundary kept me from having one imposed, and I don't remember ever pushing that limit again.
There is one sort of random thing, though, that came to my mind where a line was drawn in the sand, so to speak, and given the overall context, it might seem a little strange. I very distinctly remember having a conversation with my Dad and it being very clear that I would NOT be wearing camo pants around my grandparents (his parents). I'm not sure if I even would have or if I was even asking to, but I remember thinking it was something that was off-limits. Obviously, that bears some explanation. I grew up in a conservative Mennonite family, and one of the values of that upbringing was pacifism. My grandparents and parents were all registered C.O. status (conscientious objectors), which meant that they would not be part of a military draft, due to these beliefs. My grandfather served in voluntary service instead of drafted military service during the war, and it was a core part of their identity and beliefs.
The funny thing is that I am pretty sure I still was a pacifist myself, though I have gone through several phases of internal conflict over the issue...and still do. I would probably call myself a "conflicted pacifist" or something these days. There was a phase that I would still have basically held the ideals of pacifism but was strangely drawn to revolutionary idealists that seemed so radical (albeit misguided), such as Che Guevara and the likes! Thus, the camo pants, I guess. I don't even remember if I actually owned any.
Anyway, the line...somehow I knew at the time that is wasn't a battle over control of what I was allowed to wear. It wasn't even about expecting that pacifism to be held as a core value. What came to my mind as I was thinking about it recently, that I think I understood at the time even, was that it was about honoring my grandparents. It was important to them and was a decision of respect for who they were, and there was a very clear expectation that we would honor them. I'm quite sure it would never have been spoken in disapproval (few things ever were) from them, but it wasn't even about whether they would approve or not. It was a decision to honor. And, I realized that I sincerely hope that is a value we will pass on to our boys. We are not as strict with the way the boys address people or what they wear or some other things as the norm in the community where I grew up. But, I hope that my boys will respect and honor those who have gone before them. Whether they follow or adhere to all of the things their parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles or whatever other elders are a part of their lives or not, I hope that they will be boys and eventually men who respect and honor those who have poured themselves out for them in more ways than they will likely ever know. I am not a fan of arbitrary, outdated rules just because it is what has been done. But, I hope that we will help them to see ways to communicate honor, even in things that may seem small. Not sure what our "camo pants" are, but I hope we'll find them and draw those lines for our boys.
There were several things I can remember that had been set that were going to be rules that never really came into play. I was not going to be allowed to get my ears pierced until 16, I think. I never asked to get them pierced. (Now, that one, to be fair, was an issue of vanity because I hated my ears and not some act of piety in any way!) I was not supposed to be allowed to wear makeup until I was 13 (or 16, can't remember). Pretty sure when my dad saw my attempts before that limit, he figured I was safer going out looking like that and figured it would likely be boy repellent! I never had a curfew, and I can very distinctly coming home "too late" one time. I knew it as I was heading home. There wasn't a defined time, but it just seemed like I was out later than I "should have" been. I think the fact that I was super stressed over breaking a non-existent boundary kept me from having one imposed, and I don't remember ever pushing that limit again.
There is one sort of random thing, though, that came to my mind where a line was drawn in the sand, so to speak, and given the overall context, it might seem a little strange. I very distinctly remember having a conversation with my Dad and it being very clear that I would NOT be wearing camo pants around my grandparents (his parents). I'm not sure if I even would have or if I was even asking to, but I remember thinking it was something that was off-limits. Obviously, that bears some explanation. I grew up in a conservative Mennonite family, and one of the values of that upbringing was pacifism. My grandparents and parents were all registered C.O. status (conscientious objectors), which meant that they would not be part of a military draft, due to these beliefs. My grandfather served in voluntary service instead of drafted military service during the war, and it was a core part of their identity and beliefs.
The funny thing is that I am pretty sure I still was a pacifist myself, though I have gone through several phases of internal conflict over the issue...and still do. I would probably call myself a "conflicted pacifist" or something these days. There was a phase that I would still have basically held the ideals of pacifism but was strangely drawn to revolutionary idealists that seemed so radical (albeit misguided), such as Che Guevara and the likes! Thus, the camo pants, I guess. I don't even remember if I actually owned any.
Anyway, the line...somehow I knew at the time that is wasn't a battle over control of what I was allowed to wear. It wasn't even about expecting that pacifism to be held as a core value. What came to my mind as I was thinking about it recently, that I think I understood at the time even, was that it was about honoring my grandparents. It was important to them and was a decision of respect for who they were, and there was a very clear expectation that we would honor them. I'm quite sure it would never have been spoken in disapproval (few things ever were) from them, but it wasn't even about whether they would approve or not. It was a decision to honor. And, I realized that I sincerely hope that is a value we will pass on to our boys. We are not as strict with the way the boys address people or what they wear or some other things as the norm in the community where I grew up. But, I hope that my boys will respect and honor those who have gone before them. Whether they follow or adhere to all of the things their parents or grandparents or aunts and uncles or whatever other elders are a part of their lives or not, I hope that they will be boys and eventually men who respect and honor those who have poured themselves out for them in more ways than they will likely ever know. I am not a fan of arbitrary, outdated rules just because it is what has been done. But, I hope that we will help them to see ways to communicate honor, even in things that may seem small. Not sure what our "camo pants" are, but I hope we'll find them and draw those lines for our boys.
1 comment:
Read this some time ago. Finally getting around to commenting. So funny that neither Dad nor I remember the cammo pants issue but I do hope that you remember from home that we talked about it that our grandparents and other people may have different home rules or beliefs but respect was always required.
My pacifist ideals have been re-examined. For as much as is possible live at peace with all men. . . . . this place and world will test us.
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