CRASH! That's how my day with the boys got rolling this morning.
I had started to download an update on the laptop and decided to carry it upstairs open so as not to interrupt the download. How many times have we told the boys NOT to walk with the iPad open? They aren't even allowed to carry the laptop yet because, clearly, THEY would have an accident with it.
I grabbed a couple other small things to carry with me, and as I hit the second to last stair from the landing, I tripped on it, and the stuff in my arms--including the laptop--went crashing onto the floor.
A moment of shock interrupted quickly by bursting into tears. (Hopefully, nothing to explicit uttered that my boys will repeat later!)
What had I just done?!
I sat down on Isaiah's bed right in front of me and picked up the laptop, popped the battery back in that had fallen out, and tried to breathe. More crying. I prayed. Yes, I prayed for God to please, please (Am I the only one who begs in prayer when desperate?) let it still work. The frame around the screen had popped open. Trying to assess the situation through the tears, I gingerly turned it on. It worked. Still, the problem of the split frame that wouldn't seem to pop back together, and I noticed that is because part of it was completely dented and not able to be bent or popped or anything back together.
I was crying. A lot. Maybe a little hysterical.
Isaiah put his arm around me.
I cried, "Oh, Daddy is going to be so mad at me!"
Isaiah: "It will be ok, Mommy."
Me: "Oh, I really messed up, Isaiah. REALLY badly!"
Isaiah: "It will be ok, Mommy. Don't worry."
Sweet boy. It is only a "thing." I know that, but I screwed up. And, I felt stupid and ashamed and just awful. And, it is an expensive thing!
I decided to tell John when we saw him at lunch.
Unexpectedly, John stopped home to pick up the power cord for his laptop mid-morning. I said, "I have some bad news."
Isaiah: "Mommy broke the computer."
There really is no hiding anything when a preschooler has witnessed it!
After explaining what happened and showing John the dent/crack and a very awkward and humble apology, he said it was just cosmetic, and he said, "It's ok. Accidents happen."
Now, I don't really know why I was afraid or expecting something so different since my dear husband has shown great mercy for some of my worst blunders, but I still felt such a weight off. Mercy. It frees. And yet, I felt almost embarrassed by it. I deserved for him to be angry at me--really angry. Yet, he wasn't.
I was mad at me, but he had shown mercy.
Seemingly unrelated, less than an hour later, a repair man showed up to service our water filter. I had been intending to call because it had been 3 months, but apparently, our landlord (or the person he has working for him locally) had already arranged it with them to come for the routine service and filter replacement.
I walked inside to point out where the water filter was and didn't notice at first that, as he had slipped off his shoes by the door (which is the usual expectation here), he had slipped on my wonderful new slippers that my parents had sent me for Christmas. Now, floors here are cold. Really cold right now, so I understand wanting something on your feet, but they weren't setting by any of the other shoes on or beside the shoe rack. They were across from there at the edge of the living room. We had other slippers or flip flops. These were the nicest, softest, coziest pair (a replacement for which would be difficult to find here). Um, and yeah, they are ladies' slippers! I realized it as I heard water gushing and tinkering and went in to see him standing, in these new slippers, in dirty water all over the floor, dripping water all over the tops of them as well. I was furious! Who does that?! I went and grabbed another pair of slippers and abruptly asked him to switch slippers! He half-glanced and said, "Ok." OK?! "Um, no, these were getting ruined!" "Ok, it's ok." At this point, I was fuming. I knew it wasn't just a language barrier because we had spoken English when he arrived. How dare he?! "Not ok! You say sorry when you are ruining something!"
"Ok."
I tried to calm myself down and explain it must be some cultural thing that I was being insensitive to, but I was ANGRY!
I avoided saying much else to him, and after a few more mildly irritating issues in the exchange, he was done, and the water filter was fixed, and he left. I had been snippy, and I knew it.
I went to the office at lunch and vented about it to John and another friend, attempting to be quiet, as if that somehow would maintain some level of cultural sensitivity.
It wasn't until we had gotten home, and I had put the boys down for nap time, and I was starting to read the Bible for some quiet time that it hit me. Hit me hard. The "Parable of the Unmerciful Servant" (Matthew 18:21-35)--ever read it? To paraphrase briefly, a king cancels the debt of a servant who owed him heaps and heaps of money, showing him great mercy, only to have that servant go outside and rail on a guy who owed him a teeny fraction of the amount. Yep. Laptop. Slippers. It is a little horrifying to find yourself smack in the middle of a parable...and not as the "good guy."
I read these parables, and sometimes they almost seem like merely hyperbole to get the point across. I mean, they don't really happen quite as obvious as that, right? I nod at the lesson I have learned from the poor sap in the story who could be so blind as to miss the obvious truth right in front of him. But, today, as I turned to read that story as it was flooding my mind, that page turned into a mirror. Oh, have mercy on ME that I would understand the depth and breadth of mercy that I have already been shown.
If only my biggest failing for the day had been smashing the laptop.
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