Sorting Thoughts

So, my head has felt like it is spinning now for a few weeks. Wrapping up jobs and seasons of other roles we've invested in deeply, trying to clear our apartment to make space for someone else to live there, packing up stuff for four months for our family, leaving dear friends and familiar things in Los Angeles, and making the long journey to be here in Kathmandu for four months...There has been a lot to sort through in thoughts and emotions. There have been moment of clarity and a lot of muddiness to wade through and many things to reflect on more and try to express to share. So, as I find myself wide awake since 2 a.m. for the second night in a row, I figured I might as well jump in on starting to make note of a few.

While we are only gone for four months for now (and will see what God has for us beyond that), it has still been a season of major transition for us. Even when we return to LA, life will be different. Things as we have known them for the past season won't ever be the same. In some things we have had a sense of closure, and in some, there are still things we had to leave without seeing them all neatly wrapped up and made clear. It has been an intense and often overwhelming season, and as the time drew closer to depart, I felt myself detaching emotionally. I was feeling so drained emotionally and mentally, and with a new pregnancy, often even physically. I kicked into "to do" list mode with time running short and so much left to do. After a dear friend asked me about how I was interacting with her, it made me realize how much I had slipped into this functional detached mode, partially out of practical reality but also partially out of self-protection to avoid engaging the hard emotions of leaving.
If anyone had told me within my first year or two of living in LA that I would have such a hard time leaving it, I never would have believed them! But, I have put in roots. I have invested deeply, and many amazing people have invested in me and in my family! I have shared my life with dear friends and a community. On one of the last nights in LA, our church council prayed for us, and one of the things Brad shared was about the leaving that came in the calls God gave people TO something.
In Genesis 12:1, the Lord told Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." When Jesus called the first disciples, they left everything and followed him (Luke 5:11). In thinking about what we were heading toward, I think I forgot about the leaving that is involved in being called into something new. I had avoided it, but as the last week in LA unfolded, I felt the impact of the leaving. Of leaving dear friends that I have shared life with, of leaving a home that might not be much but has been home, of leaving what if familiar and comfortable to head into what is unknown and new and sometimes scary.
And, as we are here, I still feel that impact. I know God has good things here for us, but the leaving is hard.