So, my head has felt like it is spinning now for a few weeks. Wrapping up jobs and seasons of other roles we've invested in deeply, trying to clear our apartment to make space for someone else to live there, packing up stuff for four months for our family, leaving dear friends and familiar things in Los Angeles, and making the long journey to be here in Kathmandu for four months...There has been a lot to sort through in thoughts and emotions. There have been moment of clarity and a lot of muddiness to wade through and many things to reflect on more and try to express to share. So, as I find myself wide awake since 2 a.m. for the second night in a row, I figured I might as well jump in on starting to make note of a few.
While we are only gone for four months for now (and will see what God has for us beyond that), it has still been a season of major transition for us. Even when we return to LA, life will be different. Things as we have known them for the past season won't ever be the same. In some things we have had a sense of closure, and in some, there are still things we had to leave without seeing them all neatly wrapped up and made clear. It has been an intense and often overwhelming season, and as the time drew closer to depart, I felt myself detaching emotionally. I was feeling so drained emotionally and mentally, and with a new pregnancy, often even physically. I kicked into "to do" list mode with time running short and so much left to do. After a dear friend asked me about how I was interacting with her, it made me realize how much I had slipped into this functional detached mode, partially out of practical reality but also partially out of self-protection to avoid engaging the hard emotions of leaving.
If anyone had told me within my first year or two of living in LA that I would have such a hard time leaving it, I never would have believed them! But, I have put in roots. I have invested deeply, and many amazing people have invested in me and in my family! I have shared my life with dear friends and a community. On one of the last nights in LA, our church council prayed for us, and one of the things Brad shared was about the leaving that came in the calls God gave people TO something.
In Genesis 12:1, the Lord told Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." When Jesus called the first disciples, they left everything and followed him (Luke 5:11). In thinking about what we were heading toward, I think I forgot about the leaving that is involved in being called into something new. I had avoided it, but as the last week in LA unfolded, I felt the impact of the leaving. Of leaving dear friends that I have shared life with, of leaving a home that might not be much but has been home, of leaving what if familiar and comfortable to head into what is unknown and new and sometimes scary.
And, as we are here, I still feel that impact. I know God has good things here for us, but the leaving is hard.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
So, I'm obviously a bit behind with updating this blog! We are three days away from leaving for Kathmandu, Nepal, so there is much going on for us to prepare practically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. My brain is feeling a little fried tonight, so I won't try to start capturing it all now, but I wanted to actually make a recent post to get me back on track so that I'll get back into updating during our adventure ahead!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Father's Day (Observed)
Since John will be driving across the country with a group from Refuge on the actual holiday this Sunday, we set aside some time today to celebrate Father's Day. We were originally going to take Isaiah "swimming" for the first time, but all of the pools start their summertime hours NEXT week. So, we went to the California Science Center instead. They have two "Discovery Rooms" that are especially made for little kids.
The funny thing is that Isaiah is often most fascinated by the what seem to us to be the simplest of objects. There were these three thin metal rings that were maybe around 10" in diameter, and he probably could have sat there and played with those for an hour. And the metal latch on the floor that catches the door...and a stool that is bolted to the ground...and the cushion on the bench. You get the idea. We laughed at having taken him to the Science Center to play with metal rings, but it really is kind of fun to realize that things we completely take for granted are actually fascinating.
He did enjoy the tanks with live animals, but he really had a hard time resisting the urge to pound on the tanks, so we couldn't stick around those for very long. It's also a little tricky to try to get him not to explore the entire area by putting everything in his mouth!
The section of the museum is called "World of Life" or something like that, and there was one doll that had velcro to open the shirt, which exposed cloth displaying her ribs, which also was closed with velcro and could be opened to reveal little stuffed versions of all her internal organs, which could all be removed (but stayed attached by string) and reattached with velcro. While educational, that one weirded me out a bit as a toy!
We did go through one long narrow room on the way out of that section that was basically a long wall of screens with amazing photographs of various living things rotating. He was mesmerized!
After a little stretch at the museum, we went to John's favorite bbq place to have lunch. It's called Mr. Cecil's California Ribs. It was pushing nap time, and serious crying started in the car, so we were a little skeptical, but Isaiah did great! We really are so blessed that he is such an easygoing little guy who rolls with a lot and eats anything! :) We had taken the food mill along, so Isaiah tried some ribs and some baked beans, which he seemed to especially enjoy. I also took out some pieces from the middle of my hush puppies for him to eat. Not the most nutritious meal he's ever had, but he seemed to enjoy it!
What a fun day! And, really, the best part is being able to celebrate what an amazing dad John is! Isaiah and I are both SO unbelievably blessed! Frustrations come, and sometimes we just have to deal with tedious or frustrating things in life, but my prayer is that I'll be able to have eyes to see more of the time the gift that God has given me in being married to John and being able to raise a family with him. God uses John to show us His love and to bless us in so many ways...not to mention that John's just a FUN guy! :)
So, I feel very thankful today. I am thankful for the opportunity to do fun things, explore new and exciting or even simple things with my son, and eat good food. And more importantly, I am thankful for John as my husband and Isaiah's father. So thankful!
The funny thing is that Isaiah is often most fascinated by the what seem to us to be the simplest of objects. There were these three thin metal rings that were maybe around 10" in diameter, and he probably could have sat there and played with those for an hour. And the metal latch on the floor that catches the door...and a stool that is bolted to the ground...and the cushion on the bench. You get the idea. We laughed at having taken him to the Science Center to play with metal rings, but it really is kind of fun to realize that things we completely take for granted are actually fascinating.
He did enjoy the tanks with live animals, but he really had a hard time resisting the urge to pound on the tanks, so we couldn't stick around those for very long. It's also a little tricky to try to get him not to explore the entire area by putting everything in his mouth!
The section of the museum is called "World of Life" or something like that, and there was one doll that had velcro to open the shirt, which exposed cloth displaying her ribs, which also was closed with velcro and could be opened to reveal little stuffed versions of all her internal organs, which could all be removed (but stayed attached by string) and reattached with velcro. While educational, that one weirded me out a bit as a toy!
We did go through one long narrow room on the way out of that section that was basically a long wall of screens with amazing photographs of various living things rotating. He was mesmerized!
After a little stretch at the museum, we went to John's favorite bbq place to have lunch. It's called Mr. Cecil's California Ribs. It was pushing nap time, and serious crying started in the car, so we were a little skeptical, but Isaiah did great! We really are so blessed that he is such an easygoing little guy who rolls with a lot and eats anything! :) We had taken the food mill along, so Isaiah tried some ribs and some baked beans, which he seemed to especially enjoy. I also took out some pieces from the middle of my hush puppies for him to eat. Not the most nutritious meal he's ever had, but he seemed to enjoy it!
What a fun day! And, really, the best part is being able to celebrate what an amazing dad John is! Isaiah and I are both SO unbelievably blessed! Frustrations come, and sometimes we just have to deal with tedious or frustrating things in life, but my prayer is that I'll be able to have eyes to see more of the time the gift that God has given me in being married to John and being able to raise a family with him. God uses John to show us His love and to bless us in so many ways...not to mention that John's just a FUN guy! :)
So, I feel very thankful today. I am thankful for the opportunity to do fun things, explore new and exciting or even simple things with my son, and eat good food. And more importantly, I am thankful for John as my husband and Isaiah's father. So thankful!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Most Exhausting Place on Earth
Went to Disneyland today. So tired now.
Some of John's family was in town visiting, and they are huge Disneyland fans! So, we took Isaiah for his first trip to "the happiest place on earth."
I was in no rush to introduce Isaiah to Disneyland or subject myself to it again. But, some of the reasons why had faded. They are now fresh again...
1. SO expensive!
2. Crowds. I don't like crowds. Being an introvert and a smidge claustrophobic, I get maxed out for the day in about the first 5 minutes there. Serious energy drain for me.
3. Lines. I'm not a patient person, and I don't like wasting time. Standing in line for 30 minutes (if you're lucky) for something that takes 3 minutes challenges that.
4. Princesses. Would take far more time to explain that one than I have energy for tonight.
5. There are at least as many gift shops as there are attractions.
And, to add a new one to the list...
It takes a LOT of preparation, stuff to lug along, and mental and physical energy throughout the day to take a wiggly little guy somewhere like that!
Ok, all that being said, though, we did have a really nice time. I'm just exhausted!
Isaiah did great! He seems to have gotten at least a significant dose of John's adaptability, which is a blessing! And, he LOVED Small World, which is the one thing at Disneyland I might never get tired of! That's my boy! :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Protection
Wow, ok, so after a ridiculous gap, I'm determined to be back at blogging! I blame (in part) Facebook...it is way to easy to pop off little one sentence blurbs, which don't come close to capturing life but take so much less time and seem to at least give a basic thought or update...I'm determined to get back to a bit more depth of thought given to what is going on in and around me!
So, back at it!
So, we had a few "exciting" moments this afternoon. First of all, Isaiah was playing in the kitchen while I was getting some things ready. It is exciting that he is able to entertain himself a bit and enjoys exploring...but it is also a bit nervewracking! He definitely has figured out a way to get around and get himself into some mischief. The other day, he found a cereal box in the recycling pile and emptied out the remaining pieces and ate them off the floor. Today, he pressed the button on Roomba (our robot vaccuum thing), and it turned on and started going right in front of his face and fingers, and he got freaked out! I was afraid he got his fingers pinched, but he was fine, other than a bit scared.
Later, when we went to get the mail, I was carrying him back up the stairs to our apartment and (VERY foolishly) being silly and playful with him. I was sort of quickly and bouncily going up the stairs and watching him more than the steps, and I tripped! I fell and smashed into the steps, and he started to cry, and I think my heart absolutely stopped! I felt panic and fear. I was so afraid he had just gotten badly hurt. Somehow, he didn't get a scrape or bruise or anything. Again, I think it just scared him. I was so wrapped up in whether he was ok or not and badly shaken by him almost getting very hurt that I didn't even notice until about 15 minutes later that my hand was smashed open in several places, and my other arm was all scraped up.
So, tonight, I'm feeling a bit banged up but mostly just reeling a little from the experience. All I could do and think for most of the evening was to thank God for protecting my little boy! It just felt like it sunk in to me how quickly something can happen and how I am not really capable of protecting him. I am so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands because they are far more capable than mine, but I have to admit that having his protection not completely within my control (though obviously, this particular incident could have been vastly improved by me being more safety-conscious and less clumsy!) is rather unnerving!
I never want to be one of those moms who is filled with fear and hovering over my child's every move and keeping him from exploring and experiencing life, even with all of its risks, but I have to admit that there is a part of me that totally feels a pull to try to shield him from all harm. I don't want a Bubble Boy, but a big padded suit has at least crossed my mind several times today! :)
My little guy is sleeping peacefully now, and I am sitting here on the couch with an aching hand but mostly rattled emotions that I am trying to release. I just pray for nothing to be able to stop God's plans and purposes for little Isaiah's life. I pray against any attacks of the enemy! But I also pray that I will have the grace to not get in the way of all the adventures God will take my little guy on in life, as I realize (again) tonight that I am called to nurture him and protect him at some level, but ultimately, he belongs to God and is in HIS hands!
I think I will bake some Pillsbury Cinnabon rolls as an aid in soothing my nerves and try rest in God's peace! :)
So, back at it!
So, we had a few "exciting" moments this afternoon. First of all, Isaiah was playing in the kitchen while I was getting some things ready. It is exciting that he is able to entertain himself a bit and enjoys exploring...but it is also a bit nervewracking! He definitely has figured out a way to get around and get himself into some mischief. The other day, he found a cereal box in the recycling pile and emptied out the remaining pieces and ate them off the floor. Today, he pressed the button on Roomba (our robot vaccuum thing), and it turned on and started going right in front of his face and fingers, and he got freaked out! I was afraid he got his fingers pinched, but he was fine, other than a bit scared.
Later, when we went to get the mail, I was carrying him back up the stairs to our apartment and (VERY foolishly) being silly and playful with him. I was sort of quickly and bouncily going up the stairs and watching him more than the steps, and I tripped! I fell and smashed into the steps, and he started to cry, and I think my heart absolutely stopped! I felt panic and fear. I was so afraid he had just gotten badly hurt. Somehow, he didn't get a scrape or bruise or anything. Again, I think it just scared him. I was so wrapped up in whether he was ok or not and badly shaken by him almost getting very hurt that I didn't even notice until about 15 minutes later that my hand was smashed open in several places, and my other arm was all scraped up.
So, tonight, I'm feeling a bit banged up but mostly just reeling a little from the experience. All I could do and think for most of the evening was to thank God for protecting my little boy! It just felt like it sunk in to me how quickly something can happen and how I am not really capable of protecting him. I am so thankful that Isaiah is in God's hands because they are far more capable than mine, but I have to admit that having his protection not completely within my control (though obviously, this particular incident could have been vastly improved by me being more safety-conscious and less clumsy!) is rather unnerving!
I never want to be one of those moms who is filled with fear and hovering over my child's every move and keeping him from exploring and experiencing life, even with all of its risks, but I have to admit that there is a part of me that totally feels a pull to try to shield him from all harm. I don't want a Bubble Boy, but a big padded suit has at least crossed my mind several times today! :)
My little guy is sleeping peacefully now, and I am sitting here on the couch with an aching hand but mostly rattled emotions that I am trying to release. I just pray for nothing to be able to stop God's plans and purposes for little Isaiah's life. I pray against any attacks of the enemy! But I also pray that I will have the grace to not get in the way of all the adventures God will take my little guy on in life, as I realize (again) tonight that I am called to nurture him and protect him at some level, but ultimately, he belongs to God and is in HIS hands!
I think I will bake some Pillsbury Cinnabon rolls as an aid in soothing my nerves and try rest in God's peace! :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wonder
Wow, big gap in blogging. Back at it...
I've been thinking a lot lately as I watch little Isaiah grow and develop and experience the world just how miraculous and amazing life is. Seeing the miracle of a new life is absolutely amazing, but it is also so exciting to experience the world around him! It is such a fresh reminder to me to see the wonder with which he encounters things I take for granted every day and to see the excitement as he gains new skills that I forget are even learned skills.
Right now Isaiah is very fascinated with leaves. Los Angeles is hardly a place known for being lush and green, but even living in the city here and walking the four blocks from our apartment to the church, I have noticed and been so surprised at how many different kinds of trees there are even just in that stretch! How many times have I walked that route and never even considered the creativity expressed in that? I don't remember ever before walking those few urban blocks with any sense of wonder. But now, as I watch my little boy gaze with amazement at all of the things he sees, I can't help but be filled with wonder as well.
It is so much fun to share in Isaiah's experiences and his encounters of so many things and places for the very first time. Just yesterday we walked to the library. On the way over, we stopped at the pet shop. They didn't have a lot of cuddly things for him to touch or look at, but they had a big glass case of parakeets, which he was so excited to watch! On the way home, we stopped at a local shop that makes their own soap and bath products, and he was chattering as we went in, surrounded by lots of new smells. The owner has a golden retriever, and I picked Isaiah up out of his stroller and squatted down. The dog was very gentle and slowly moved toward Isaiah's face and began licking all over his face. Isaiah sort of sputtered a bit and wasn't quite sure what to do with that "first." :) He didn't seem scared, just surprised. He proceeded to giggle most of the way home. Not sure what was so funny, but everything seemed to tickle him and send him into giggles.
On a funny "first," on Wednesday, I pulled out his sock monkey that my dear friend Jen gave him. He is just recently starting to enjoy stuffed animals and be able to grab them well. When I gave it to him, he giggled. Later in the day, he took it again and grabbed the little yarn tuft on its head and giggled again. Yes, Isaiah, sock monkeys are funny!
I've been thinking a lot lately as I watch little Isaiah grow and develop and experience the world just how miraculous and amazing life is. Seeing the miracle of a new life is absolutely amazing, but it is also so exciting to experience the world around him! It is such a fresh reminder to me to see the wonder with which he encounters things I take for granted every day and to see the excitement as he gains new skills that I forget are even learned skills.
Right now Isaiah is very fascinated with leaves. Los Angeles is hardly a place known for being lush and green, but even living in the city here and walking the four blocks from our apartment to the church, I have noticed and been so surprised at how many different kinds of trees there are even just in that stretch! How many times have I walked that route and never even considered the creativity expressed in that? I don't remember ever before walking those few urban blocks with any sense of wonder. But now, as I watch my little boy gaze with amazement at all of the things he sees, I can't help but be filled with wonder as well.
It is so much fun to share in Isaiah's experiences and his encounters of so many things and places for the very first time. Just yesterday we walked to the library. On the way over, we stopped at the pet shop. They didn't have a lot of cuddly things for him to touch or look at, but they had a big glass case of parakeets, which he was so excited to watch! On the way home, we stopped at a local shop that makes their own soap and bath products, and he was chattering as we went in, surrounded by lots of new smells. The owner has a golden retriever, and I picked Isaiah up out of his stroller and squatted down. The dog was very gentle and slowly moved toward Isaiah's face and began licking all over his face. Isaiah sort of sputtered a bit and wasn't quite sure what to do with that "first." :) He didn't seem scared, just surprised. He proceeded to giggle most of the way home. Not sure what was so funny, but everything seemed to tickle him and send him into giggles.
On a funny "first," on Wednesday, I pulled out his sock monkey that my dear friend Jen gave him. He is just recently starting to enjoy stuffed animals and be able to grab them well. When I gave it to him, he giggled. Later in the day, he took it again and grabbed the little yarn tuft on its head and giggled again. Yes, Isaiah, sock monkeys are funny!
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